Appropros of nothing, here is a list of science-fiction/fantasy films that ought to be available on DVD in the U.S., but aren’t.

(Note: The original King Kong would fill every slot if I wasn’t convinced that it was virtually certain to be released in 2005 in order to capitalize on Peter Jackson’s remake.)

The Incredible Shrinking Man – Arguably the last truly great, pre-Star Wars science-fiction film still AFDVDWOL (Absent From DVD WithOut Leave). Directed by Jack Arnold from a novel by Richard Matheson, it’s the story of a man exposed to radiation (remember when we were afraid of that?) who grows ever smaller, initially dealing with issues of impotence and media exploitation, but eventually falling prey to more lethal menaces such as household cats and spiders. Why isn’t this out already?!?

The Monolith Monsters – The aforementioned Jack Arnold, master of the desert monster movie subgenre, wrote but did not direct this tale, featuring perhaps the most unique screen creature ever: a space rock which, when exposed to water, absorbs silica from its surroundings (including people) and grows into a colossal tower, eventually toppling under its own weight and shattering into bits…which begin the process over again. A tidy, unusual late ’50s thriller.

Attack of the Crab Monsters – One of Roger Corman’s earlier efforts, I recall this being a moody, albeit very cheap, popcorn flick about island castaways stalked by oversized, telepathic crustaceans. Another Corman candidate is It Conquered the World, starring the infamous Venusian “cucumber” creature.

Night of the Lepus – Hmm, I seem to have an unintended monster theme going here, but here’s one that’s truly hilarious. Yes, “Lepus” refers to bunnies; as one of the film’s policemen warns, “There is a herd of killer rabbits headed this way and we desperately need your help!” I don’t care if they’re 15 feet high, bunnies are cute, not scary. DeForest Kelley is one of the actors who should’ve known better. And while we’re talking about ridiculous monsters, how about From Hell It Came, starring Tobanga, the walking, killer tree?

Tales from the Crypt – This is the 1972 British film, not the later TV series. I’ve always had a soft spot for horror anthologies. Many horror concepts don’t really merit a full-length film (for instance, any variety of killer doll), but are ample shock fodder in short bites. Plus, if one segment is stupid, another will be along shortly. This is the first of two films based on the EC horror comics of the ’50s, and most of the stories are quite effective: Joan Collins menaced by a maniac in a Santa suit; a “Monkey’s Paw” variant with a particularly grisly conclusion; Peter Cushing as a reanimated corpse with a special Valentine’s poem; and a vicious caretaker of a home for the blind who received a fiendish vengeance. Good stuff.

The Green Slime – A truly outrageous Japanese-American co-production, set aboard a swingin’ ’60s space station. Some green slime (naturally) gets aboard, and soon the place is filled with tentacled, cyclopean, rubber-suited midgets. Plus, it has one of the best theme songs of all time.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – Growing up, some of the creepiest movies I encountered were made for TV. Despite the small screen and the commercial breaks, some of them really delivered the chills. One of the best, this stars Kim Darby as a woman haunted by whispering voices who turn out to be tiny creatures living within the walls of her house. Little monsters, such as the Zuni fetish doll in another TV classic, Trilogy of Terror (which is on DVD), are sometimes the piss-your-pants scariest, especially the way they can get under your bed… Go ahead, be afraid of the dark. (Other TV horror films I enjoyed as a kid were Killdozer and Horror at 37,000 Feet, neither of which are on DVD, darn it.)

DVD distributors, get on with it!

Dave Movies Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, DVDs, Night of the Lepus, Tales from the Crypt, The Green Slime, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Monolith Monsters, wishful thinking

Last weekend I tried out for the Parkland College Theatre production of The Phantom Tollbooth, based on the classic children’s book by Norton Juster. I haven’t been in a play in years, but I’d been missing it. This production seemed like a good bet because I’m very fond of the book/movie and because it seemed like the sort of thing that wouldn’t attract many of the local thespians. (Which are legion around here, I can tell you.)

I decided that it would be really cool to be the Mathemagician, the King of Digitopolis. See, The Phantom Tollbooth is an allegory about the joys of learning, and tells the story of a young boy named Milo who brings together two kingdoms which are warring over whether letters or numbers are more important. (You can guess which the Mathemagician favors.)

After an audition during which I proved that I could be a complete fool on stage, I was invited back last night for callbacks. Instead of reading dialogue, I was asked to count in a “kingly” voice. I hammed it up for all it was worth, and apparently, it paid off, for today…

…I AM the King!

Rehearsals start soon, and the first performance is on January 19 at the Parkland College Theatre in Champaign.

Dave General David Thiel Superstar, The Phantom Tollbooth, theatre

On most Tuesday nights, I play Magic: The Gathering with a group of friends. In case you aren’t geek enough to know (and if you aren’t, how is it that you come to be reading my web page?), Magic is a collectible card game in which each player uses a customized deck (built from literally thousands of published cards) to simulate a wizards’ duel. As most collectible things are, it’s addictive, expensive and time-consuming. But fun!

I’d played a lot during the early days of the game, but lost interest for a number of years, and missed out on much of its evolution as new card sets were released. However, I began playing again a year or so back with a local group that gets together once a week.

At first, I definitely felt like the odd guy out. I’d gotten rid of most of my old cards (I wound up having to repurchase much of my previous collection), I didn’t know a lot of the newer play mechanics, and I never completely understood the complicated interactions of the game. I made a lot of mistakes, and built some pretty lame decks.

I’ve since gotten somewhat better–it helps to have good opponenets–though I have never quite felt that I was operating on the same level as the rest of the gang.

(Warning: from this point onward, this post will be full of geek language. Feel free to invent your own definitions.)

Last night the gods of Dominaria smiled upon me. I was playing my “Myrzatron” deck, which is mostly Mirrodin block artifacts with a splash of Black. It’s built around mana generation, with a full set of Urza’s lands, a flock of Myr, four Cloudposts, two Doubling Cubes and some artifact lands. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The first time I used it last night, the mana was flowing, but all of my big artifact creatures were buried at the bottom of the library and I was left to defend with nothing but a bunch of puny Myr.

However, during game two, everything clicked. I achieved Urzatron (a set of three Urza’s lands) on turn three, and while I only had one Cloudpost in play, there were enough others on the table that it was generating four mana by itself.

Then the Doubling Cube came out. For three colorless, the Cube taps to double each type of mana in your current pool. In the past, I haven’t found it as useful as I’d hoped. But then the second Cube came out. Suddenly, I was generating 30 colorless mana a turn.

And look here, the Staff of Domination! It taps to give life, draw cards, tap or untap creatures, and can be untapped for one colorless. It’s kinda expensive to operate–for instance, it costs five to draw a card. If only I had about 30 mana…hmmm…

Suddenly, I was tapping the opposing defenders, drawing cards (and casting them) and even gaining a little life. My foes were driven before me by a Beast of Burden with Cranial Plating and a passel of his Arcbound brethren. It was truly glorious, and the others–who generally kick my ass at Magic–were mightily impressed.

It may never happen again, but man, the compliments felt good!

Here are the contents of my current “Myrzatron” deck:

• Lands
  • 4x Urza’s Tower
  • 4x Urza’s Power Plant
  • 4x Urza’s Mine
  • 4x Cloudpost
  • 4x Vault of Whispers
  • 2x Tree of Tales
  • 2x Darksteel Citadel
• Creatures
  • 4x Copper Myr
  • 4x Leaden Myr
  • 2x Clockwork Condor
  • 2x Arachnoid
  • 2x Myr Enforcer
  • 2x Elf Replica
  • 2x Nim Grotesque
  • 1x Vermiculos
  • 2x Arcbound Bruiser
  • 2x Arcbound Crusher
  • 2x Arcbound Fiend
  • 1x Arcbound Overseer
  • 1x Clockwork Dragon
  • 1x Beast of Burden
• Artifacts
  • 2x Darksteel Ingot
  • 1x Darksteel Forge
  • 2x Doubling Cube
  • 2x Welding Jar
  • 2x Cranial Plating
  • 1x Heartseeker
  • 1x Staff of Domination
  • 1x Ur-Golem’s Eye
• Instants
  • 2x Dark Banishing
  • 2x Irradiate

  Dave Games Magic: The Gathering, woo hoo

One of the movies we rented this weekend (in addition to 13 Going On 30, a pleasantly predictable comedy described by Vic as “Big with a chick”) was Vampire Effect. I’d seen the trailer for it on some of my Godzilla DVDs, and it appeared to be a stylish, martial-arts vampire flick. Plus, it had Jackie Chan. As it turned out, all of this was true, yet I was not prepared for the full-on weirdness that was this film. It was so odd that Vicky, who was tired and had intended to go to bed when I popped in the disc, wound up staying up through to the very end.

The premise involves a member of the Anti-Vampire Federation, an ill-defined group of “Buffy” wannabes. His partner is killed during the opening subway fight, and so he reluctantly takes on a new gal. For reasons which only make sense to the Chinese, she immediately gets into a prolonged kicking match with his live-in sister over a stuffed bear.

Their mission is to save the last of five princes, the other four of which have been killed by a vampire duke (apparently, there’s a whole undead hierarchy) who needs their blood to open an arcane book which will grant him invulnerability to sunlight. Why, you may ask, should they save the prince, who, by the way, is also a vampire? Because the sister, who does not herself hunt vampires, but who inexplicably has prodigious martial arts skills, has been dating the prince, despite the obvious loyalty issues involved. (She’s even given a guided tour of his custom coffin, which comes complete with a built-in home entertainment system.)

The romantic duo crash a wedding, at which Jackie Chan (who must’ve owed someone a favor) is marrying a lush who is played by a Chinese version of Janice from Friends. This proves fortuitous during a later scene in which Jackie is the driver of an ambulance carrying the prince to the hospital.

Why is the prince seeking medical attention? See, he hasn’t been feeding, ’cause he’s all girly and good, and has become very weak. So, they drive him to the hospital, despite the presence of bags of blood inside the vehicle. Naturally, some henchvamps attack, and our heroes keep them at bay by puncturing one of the bags and squeezing it, causing the fiends to catch the spurts of blood in mid-air like hungry baby birds. Then their mouths are filled with handy prescription drugs, which causes the vampires to…dance. Why? I DON’T KNOW.

Oh, and Jackie the ambulance driver also knows martial arts. Yes, Jackie Chan fights a vampire. Then he disappears from the film, having fulfilled his contractual obligation.

The fight scenes are very cool, with the CG-enhanced ghouls skittering up walls and ceilings. A running gag has the vamps getting sword blades between their fangs when attempting to bite someone. So, bonus points to Vampire Effect for exhilerating action.

On the other hand, the film does come from Hong Kong, and is therefore unbound by any laws of logic, common sense or plot coherency. I’m really not doing it justice. It simply messed with my head.

Rent it…if you dare!

Dave Movies Jackie Chan, reviews, Vampire Effect, vampires

One of the games that Philip and I played last night was “Martian Chess”, one of many invented by the folks at Looney Labs utilizing their line of Icehouse plastic pyramid pieces. It’s a very freaky chess variant in which the board is split into two halves, and when a piece moves onto your half, it immediately comes under your control. The idea is to get the most points before the game ends when one person runs out of pieces. (And yes, you can end the game by moving your last piece into the other player’s territory.)

It was a real mind-bender, as many of the usual expectations of chess do not apply. If your opponent takes one of your pieces, you cannot respond by taking his piece, because it’s now your piece. You can maneuver all you want on your side of the board, but if you move across the dividing line, you lose control. Yet, it seemed a perfectly acceptable strategy to rush your pieces at the other player.

Very cool, but very weird.

I may have to try out some of the other Icehouse games. Looks like they’ve got a Robo Rally knock-off, among others.

Dave Games Looney Labs

Having been married for 12 years, it’s not often that I have an opportunity to date. And honestly, that’s not a bad thing. Dating brings up feelings of excitement and the promise of possibilities, but also a good deal of uncertainty, discomfort and worrisome questions such as “Am I slurping my soup too loudly?”

Yet, last night I went on a date. No, it wasn’t with another woman; Vicky may not care if I check out the hot chicks at the mall, but even she would draw the line short of my getting lucky with someone else. Instead, I dated a guy named Philip.

Philip is a local gamer who saw my name listed on the Looney Labs website, and dropped me an e-mail. We decided to meet at a local coffee shop named Cafe Kopi to play Fluxx, Chrononauts, etc.

Dating other dudes, assuming that one isn’t gay (I’m not), does have its drawbacks. For example, there is absolutely no chance for a goodnight kiss.

Yet, meeting a new gamer for the first time does share certain similarities to a romantic date. There’s the initial concern over whether (as the old commercials for Mystery Date would say) he’ll be a dream, or a dud. There are the cautious questions: Do you have kids? Are you liberal or conservative? Do you hang upside down from a door frame when you sleep? (Okay, maybe not that last one.) Are you compatible; does he insist on playing diceless games when you really enjoy rolling the ol’ bones?

Thankfully, Philip and I hit it off pretty well, which should mean that there’ll be a second date in our future.

But no one, and I repeat, no one will be getting to second base.

Dave General dating, geek stuff, Looney Labs

This morning I was on the radio again, filling in as guest host for WILL-AM’s interview show, Focus 580. This was the first time I’d hosted a full hour on a subject I hadn’t personally selected.

The guests were Sam and Joan McCready, writer/actors who were in town to present a one-woman play about Lady Gregory, one of the founders of Ireland’s Abbey Theatre. While I have a theatre background–including a minor from Ball State University–this is serious Theatre, something I’ve largely attempted to avoid. Plus, the book of Lady Gregory’s memoirs which our producer had helpfully provided had threatened to put me to sleep the moment I cracked the spine. I admit I was very concerned that I’d run out of questions.

Thankfully, the two were pretty chatty, so I had (barely) enough material to get through the hour, even though the only listener to call in a question wanted to know the names of the guests. And I didn’t fall asleep–bonus! It turned out surprisingly well, and it’s available on the WILL web site if anyone cares.

I’ve just been scheduled to do another show on Monday, November 29 at 1:00 pm CST with Gerard Jones, author of the book “Men of Tomorrow: Geeks, Gangsters and the Birth of the Comic Book.” Should be fun! You can listen to it live.

Dave General Irish, Radio Free David, theatre, yawn

Like pretty much anyone possessing both respiration and an Internet connection, I face a daily deluge of spam e-mails regarding cheap prescriptions for “Vic0din, “Viakgra” and, of course, “!!ī�忬ü �볳!!ī��ſ���� ���湮,������.”

My favorites, however, have nothing to do with their content, but rather with the names that appear in their address line. Every week, a Mysterious Cyberspace Entity (or MCE) sends me dozens of messages offering “Best rates on medication, shipping worldwide!” Each bears a unique user name, all seemingly generated by combining two random words and a middle initial: for instance, Hankies O. Standards, Input H. Eulogy and Diviners R. Corroborates. I’m not entirely certain whether the MCE believes I’ll mistake these for actual names, or just feels that they have to have something more interesting than “Hot Teen Sluts” in the header. (Though honestly, what could be more interesting?)

Sometimes, the randomness produces apt results, such as Strongholds R. Routed. (Think about it.) Other times, it outdoes itself and creates something truly sublime like Miaplacidus V. Flywheels. I had to look it up: Miaplacidus is another name for the star Beta Carinae, combining the Latin word for “placid” with the Arabic word for “waters.” I am considering naming my next child Miaplacidus.

But this weekend I received perhaps the greatest of these to date. “Searching for PlIIS lumbrous in internet? naphthalize poikilothermic” was the top line of the message. And the sender?

Sniffed C. Eskimos.

Honestly, it sounds less like a medication provider, and more like an offer for naso-Inuit porn. “Hot Eskimo-Sniffing Action!!!”

Well, Mr. Flywheels, if that is indeed your name, I salute you, and eagerly await your next posting.

Dave General Sniffed C. Eskimos, spam

In what I consider to be an amusing development in the ongoing American Cultural War, a large number of ABC TV affiliates cancelled previously scheduled Veterans’ Day screenings of Saving Private Ryan due to concerns that they might run afoul of the newly fine-happy Federal Communications Commission. While the World War II film features intense, realistic scenes of combat, more relevant to this discussion is the fact that it includes a variety of federally-proscribed naughty words.

Typically, such language is trimmed for commercial broadcast TV, but such is the power of Ryan director Steven Spielberg that the film was to have aired uncut, as it has on two previous network screenings. However, that was before Janet Jackson shocked America by displaying slightly more of her mammary gland than we traditionally demand of our celebrities. Since then, the FCC has been on the hunt, levying massive fines against broadcasters who have dared to offend a microscopic portion of their audience: the portion that sits by the set with a tape recorder, pen and paper, waiting to be offended. Orchestrated campaigns by watchdog groups such as the American Family Association and the Parents Television Council have flooded the FCC with complaints.

Now, it would be easy to accuse the ABC stations of overreacting. I think it’s highly unlikely that even this more militant FCC would dare to fine stations over such a fine slice of soldier-saluting Americana as Saving Private Ryan. It’s one thing to target a woman who is African-American–and even more damning, a non-Republican celebrity–but another thing entirely to risk pissing off the veterans. (That said, it’s worth pointing out that while the spokesperson of the PTC said “context is everything” when defending his decision not to go after the stations that aired the movie this year, the AFA is indeed intending to file thousands of indecency complaints.)

The problem for those of us in the broadcasting business–and the reason that a lot of folks couldn’t watch Ryan last night–is that no one is absolutely sure where the line is being drawn. While FCC chair Michael Powell has mentioned the consideration of context in recent interviews, he’s also made it clear that he intends to enforce existing regulations. These mixed messages have left broadcasters understandably skittish.

Public TV stations, which have traditionally erred on the side of allowing more so-called adult content, have similarly been forced to sanitize their airwaves. After all, most public broadcasters teeter on a fiscal knife edge, and I doubt that any one of them could afford going ten rounds with Powell’s FCC. Shows we could have aired without incident last year (e.g The Gin Game) would never see the light of the cathode-ray tube in an uncut form today.

What I find so amusing about this latest salvo in the Cultural War is that for once it’s not about someone’s titty, or about Howard Stern being a bad boy. We can all agree that those things are unfit for human consumption, despite their obvious popularity with people who do not belong to watchdog groups. Now it’s affecting our soldiers, or at least their idealized, filmic counterparts. Shoe’s on the other foot now, kids. Can you save Private Ryan without acknowledging that sometimes it’s appropriate, or even necessary, to hear a naughty word on TV?

Dave TV censorship, FCC, manufactured outrage, naughty words

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Godzilla, king of the movie monsters. Through 27 feature films–with the 28th, Godzilla Final Wars due later this year–the reptilian titan stomped his way across Japan and straight into my heart.

My love affair with Godzilla began as an outgrowth of my early interest in prehistoric animals. By the time I’d reached kindergarten, I’d memorized many dinosaur names and already had plans of becoming a paleontologist. So, what could be better to a young fan than the biggest dinosaur of them all?

In addition, there was certainly an appeal to the notion of putting on a rubber reptile suit and stamping through a model of Tokyo. Even back then, I was aware that there was a sweaty Japanese man inside Godzilla, but that didn’t diminish my infatuation.

It was difficult being a young Godzilla fan back in the ’70s. In the days before VCRs, I had to depend upon the vagaries of Chicago UHF TV station schedules to catch Japanese monster movies, sometimes well after bedtime. Other times, I had to convince my dad to take me to a drive-in or a kiddie matinee. (I have to admit a certain grown-up guilt over forcing him to watch so many lousy movies.)

Furthermore, information about Godzilla wasn’t readily available. Sci-fi film books tended to be dismissive of the Japanese efforts, and even the groundbreaking fan magazine Famous Monsters of Filmland offered maddeningly incomplete or inaccurate articles.

Things have largely improved as I’ve grown up. Numerous books, magazines and websites have fully detailed the history of Godzilla’s friends and foes. Vinyl toys of virtually the entire Toho Studios bestiary have been imported to U.S. specialty stores, finally satisfying the frustrated eight-year-old within me.

On the other hand, the movies themselves rarely show up on TV anymore, and usually only on obscure cable channels I don’t receive. DVD releases have been spotty; many Japanese monster films are still MIA and others have been produced as low-quality discs.

Thankfully, there’s been some improvement on that latter front. Sony recently released three of the ’70s Godzilla flicks on DVD, and more are coming soon.

Watching Godzilla vs. Hedorah (aka Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster) again last month took me back 30 years. As an adult Godzilla fan, I’ve tended to look down on the period in which the Big G–who began as a clear metaphor for the destructive power of the atom bomb–served as a kid-friendly defender of humanity. However, I have to admit that there’s something very compelling about this kinder, gentler monster who rises from the ocean depths to combat the menace of pollution.

Last week brought the release of Godzilla: Save the Earth for the Playstation 2, allowing me at last to stage my own fantasy match-ups between (for example) Megalon and Megaguirus, Jet Jaguar and MechaGodzilla 3.

My inner eight-year-old approves.

Dave Sci-Fi dinosaurs, freakin' awesome, giant monsters, Godzilla