I just don’t get Family Guy. I know that people love it, and I know that I simply do not comprehend what they find funny in it.

Last night, I watched the season premiere, which was a double-length retelling of the original Star Wars film. And, to my absolute lack of surprise, I didn’t laugh out loud once. There were a few chucklesome moments, such as when John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra were killed by Imperial Stormtroopers and replaced by Danny Elfman, but not a single out-and-out guffaw.

For an episode which so slavishly recreated the film, lifting entire sections of dialogue and reproducing many visual effects shots in computer-assisted cartoon animation, I had expected more actual jokes about Star Wars. There were a few insider references, including a moment in which Peter (as Han Solo), boasting about the Millennium Falcon, is called out on his incorrect usage of the real-life measurement of distance “parsec.”* But most of the humor was on the level of making Obi-Wan a gay pedophile or having Artoo and Threepio share a doobie. Because it makes sense for droids to smoke marijuana.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Star Wars is sacrosanct and should never be the target of stoner jokes. As demonstrated by the recent Robot Chicken special–which was referenced at the end of last night’s episode–there’s plenty of puerile fun to be had at the expense of that galaxy far, far away. It’s just that the alleged humor of Family Guy‘s parody had little to do with the setting, characters and cliches of Star Wars. It’s a sign of desperation when the writers have Leslie Nielsen drop in to deliver a line from Airplane!, itself a parody. (And a much, much funnier one.)

In the end, the effect was like watching Star Wars recast with thoroughly unappealing characters and retold with even fewer jokes. I know that for some, Family Guy is hipper than The Simpsons, but I’d much rather have seen Homer’s take on it than Peter’s.

*I also appreciated a similar bit during the Falcon’s escape from pursuing Imperial Star Destroyers. In the original film, Han says “Don’t worry, I know a few maneuvers. We’ll lose them.” The next shot is of the Falcon moving in a straight line, which always bugged me. They did have some fun mocking that moment by having the Imperial commanders completely unprepared for Han listlessly turning to the left.

Dave TV Family Guy, Robot Chicken, Star Wars

This is a simply amazing piece of video: the Republican mayor of San Diego, who ran on a platform opposing gay marriage, makes a complete 180 degree turn in a tearful, heartfelt speech. This is the sort of thing I wish that more politicians–Republican and Democrat alike–would have the balls to do.

Dave News balls, gays, politics

I felt that yesterday’s interview with Andrew Keen went well. I only lost my train of thought once. I thought Keen was a good guest, though some (including my darling Vicky) felt he was arrogant. What surprised me was that he had already anticipated some of the Devil’s Advocate points I’d intended to raise; presumably he’d been previously taken to task over his seeming trust in the mainstream media.

He did at one point get into a heated exchange with a caller, and one listener to the broadcast felt that I shouldn’t have allowed him to get away with interrupting the other party. For my part, I felt that the caller was spoiling for a fight from the start, and was interrupting as often as he himself was interrupted. I didn’t see an opportunity to interject myself into the dialogue without shouting down the two of them and adding to the problem. Beisdes, I’d prefer to err on the side of allowing both guest and caller the opportunity to be themselves, warts and all, before bringing down the heavy hand. The alternative is to drop the caller, something we eventually did in this case.

If you missed the show, it’s available in the WILL archive.

Dave General Radio Free David

Those born in the days of $200 million blockbuster movies brimming with front-to-back CGI spectacle may be unaware that once there was a time when fantasy flicks delivered much less than promised. I’m not talking about such niceties as a solid plot, witty dialogue or sharp acting; plenty of modern epics fail on those terms. But you can go to the likes of Transformers and be certain that you’ll get all the ear-popping, eye-wrenching action you can handle. Not so much in the ’50s and ’60s, when sci-fi and horror were largely ghetto genres. Budgets were slim, and ambitions were scaled back on these “B” pictures. If a trailer promised destruction on a grand scale, it was very likely that it would be confined to the final reel. The 70 minutes leading up to that fiery, monster-ridden climax would be a lot of talk…talky, talky, talk.

I found myself thinking in those terms after watching Dragon Wars, the American release title for the South Korean hit monster movie D-War. As I previously noted, Dragon Wars has one of the most ass-kicking trailers I’ve seen, promising massive monster-on-military action. And while I think it largely succeeded on that level, it reminded me very much of the early Ray Harryhausen films, which saved most of their thrills (and therefore their scant budgets) for the final third.

Dragon Wars is an odd duck for an Asian monster flick; aside from an expository sequence set in ancient Korea, the majority of it is an English-language picture with an American cast. Not an especially good American cast mind you: for the most part they manage little more than to hit their marks and spew their admittedly atrocious dialogue. Jason Behr, whom I understand was a regular on Roswell, was supposed to be a top reporter for a CNN-like TV news outfit, but came off more like The Daily Show‘s Demetri Martin doing one of his “Trendspotting” riffs. (I was amused both by the small cubicle farm used to represent a major news organization, and by the fact that their ace reporter would be allowed to go on the air with a huge mystical pendant constantly hanging midway down his chest.) Robert Forster, who’s been in approximately one million movies and TV shows, at least looked like he was having a good time as the reincarnated shaman who kept showing up just long enough to keep Demetri Jason from being eaten.

The first third of the film was spent explaining the semi-coherent plot. We were told that every 500 years, a great serpent is rewarded with the power to become a celestial dragon. (I was not sure how the serpents choose which one is so anointed. I presume rock-paper-scissors would not be a viable option.) A girl born with a draconic tattoo carries within her some sort of mystical hoohah that the serpent swallows when she turns twenty. Unfortunately, back in 1507, the evil serpent Buraki sent his army against the village in which she lived, in hopes of gaining ultimate power. Furthermore, the young hero meant to protect her long enough to take her to the place of sacrifice falls in love instead, and the twosome forsake their destiny, instead falling to their deaths when Buraki chases them over a cliff. In the present-day, both the lovers and their wise mentor have been reincarnated in Los Angeles, but Buraki has arisen to claim its prize.

While we did get one special-effects-laden flashback sequence set in 16th-century Korea in which the sinister forces, resembling nothing less than the Gungan Grand Army of The Phantom Menace, storm the village, most of the first hour of the running time was spent listening to a lot of earnest, boring talk about prophecy and mystical hoohahs. Every once in a while Buraki put in a brief appearance, but it’s surprising just how few people noticed or cared that there was a 100-foot snake zipping around L.A.

Once the film’s final third kicked in, the thing really started to cook. It was still impossible to actually give a shit about any of the characters, but damn, Dragon Wars actually delivered its share of monstrous mayhem. There were perhaps ten full minutes of dragonettes and helicopters dueling in the skies while tanks squared off against missile-toting lizards and soldiers mounted on velociraptors.

Buraki was a pretty nifty beast, particularly in a couple of money shots. In one, the colossal serpent slithered down a packed city street, explosively sluicing through traffic. In another, it wound its way around a skyscraper in pursuit of our heroes, only to be chopped off the building in a fusillade of firepower. There have been few giant snakes in giant monsterdom; the only one that comes to mind is Toho Studio’s Manda*, itself something of a traditional Asian dragon. Buraki was a worthy entry, even if he did rather patiently wait for his prey to escape most of the time.

There’s a lot of silliness, both intentional and otherwise in Dragon Wars. For example, I had to laugh when the grand army of evil issued forth from the infamous Bronson Canyon, the L.A. County location used by every low-budget film in need of a cave mouth. (I once spent some time there myself.) It was, by no objective means, a good film. But for the final reel, it fulfilled its own destiny as an entertaining throwback to the B-movies of old.

*Update: My friend Mark points out that I was remiss to leave out Reptilicus, Denmark’s most famous movie monster. I feel chagrined, as that film is a favorite guilty pleasure.

Dave Movies Bronson Canyon, D-War, dragons, giant monsters, reviews

Reading an article on the Washington Post website, I was struck by the absurd number of hyperlinks–twelve in all–the editors embedded in a mere two lines of text:

“The leading contenders for the Republican nomination have indicated they will not attend the "All American Presidential Forum" organized by black talk show host Tavis Smiley, scheduled for Sept. 27 at Morgan State University in Baltimore and airing on PBS. Former New York mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, former senator Fred D. Thompson (Tenn.) and Sen. John McCain (Ariz.) all cited scheduling conflicts in forgoing the debate.”

Apparently, the web mavens at the Post feel that if you read an article which happens to mention Baltimore, New York, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and Arizona–no matter how little relevance they have to the story at hand–you require links to complete story archives for each of those locations. Because naturally you would think, “Hey, this article mentions Arizona. Even though I’m only on the second paragraph, I am consumed with an overwhelming desire to know what else may be happening in Arizona right now.” I am surprised that they didn’t also include links for the terms “black,” “Sept. 27,” and “the.”

Dave Rant internet b.s.

Bumped to the top of the page to serve as a reminder.

My radio interview with Andrew Keen, author of The Cult of the Amateur: How Today’s Internet is Killing Our Culture, is scheduled for Tuesday, September 18 at 11:06 am Central Time. It’ll be streamed live on the WILL website. And if you want to call in during the show–which, if nothing else, keeps me from having to do all the talking–the phone number is 333-9455. Outside the Champaign area, you can use our toll-free line: 800-222-9455.

It should be a lively show. Certainly, just telling people about the topic has provoked some strong reactions amongst those I know.

Dave General internet b.s., Radio Free David

Dave Videogames Godzilla, trailers, Wii

I’ve been crazy busy for the past couple of weeks, hence this blog-lite period. More later, but until then, a few quick updates:

At last, my dad is supposed to be going home today. He’d been in the rehab wing of a nursing home for the past several weeks building up his strength. I talked to him last night, and he was sounding good. I’m going to go up and stay with him this weekend.

Recently I’ve been doing the chiropractic thing. I had my initial intake a few weeks back at a clinic that told me I needed to come in for fifty visits over a six-month period at an after-insurance cost of more than two thousand bucks. And then they wheeled in the financial counselor to discuss payment options. After they woke me up from the fainting spell, I got the hell out of there and got me a second opinion.

The new guy–who I’ve been seeing since last week–is instilling me with much more confidence. He hasn’t used any pseudo-science terminology or suggested any miracle cures. He told me that he’d have me come in a few times over a two-week period and see how it goes, which is a far, far cry from Mr. Big Shot Wellness Doc and his extended payment plan. He’s been smacking me with some little pneumatic hammer device that’s supposed to apply so many pounds of pressure in a quick burst in a specific spot. It feels a little silly, but it does seem to be doing some good: I’m not listing to the left side like I have been for the past year or so.

On the work front, it looks like I may be on the radio again sometime next week. It’s been nearly three years since my last guest host stint on WILL-AM. We’re trying to line up an interview with Andrew Keen, author of The Cult of the Amateur: How Today’s Internet is Killing Our Culture. I don’t agree with all of Keen’s conclusions, but it’s a provocative book which suggests that the movements toward citizen journalism and do-it-yourself media such as Wikipedia and YouTube are dismantling professional institutions and putting experienced news gatherers out of work, replacing them with misinformed blogs and amateurish (in every sense of the word) talent shows.

To be sure, there are plenty of warning signs that traditional media are withering, and for reasons both personal and professional I agree that this is not a good thing. Some of the backlash against the mainstream media may be deserved–they certainly allowed themselves to be cowed by their political opponents in recent years–but bloggers are in no position to replace them. Blogs still largely depend upon the wire services and major dailies for their info, and lack the resources to do their own news gathering or to place correspondents in foreign trouble spots. Mostly, what they offer is opinion: lots and lots of non-fact-checked, semi-rational, ethically-unfettered opinion.

I’ll post a date and time when we’ve confirmed our guest.

(And yes, I’m still going to get back to the religious thing at some point.)

Dave General chiropractic, internet b.s., pseudoscience, Radio Free David

For the past few days I’ve been playing Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, a new Wii game that’s getting stellar reviews. I’ve been eager to try out a first-person shooter on the Wii, so I cashed in some trade credit at GameStop and picked up a copy.

As was the case with The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Metroid Prime 3 is my introduction to one of Nintendo’s core franchises. Therefore, I’m a bit unclear on the background. I appear to be a female bounty hunter named Samus who wears a kick-ass powersuit with a gun for one arm and a grapple for the other. I’m fighting some “pirates” which really seem more like generic, spiky, alien beasts than anything resembling Johnny Depp. Every once in a while, I run into an evil version of myself. And, for reasons unknown, I can turn into a ball.

Actually, I quite like the bit with the ball. It reminds me of the classic arcade game Marble Madness, only with a lot less falling into bottomless pits. The “morph ball” mode is primarily used to enter various tubes and ducts to reach otherwise inaccessible areas. In some cases, it’s made clear that these tubes are used for maintenance, which suggests to me that in the world of Metroid, janitors are required to roll themselves to work.

The Wii controls are a lot of fun. The Wiimote acts as the gun arm, and allows you to steer yourself just by pointing. The Nunchuk is the grapple, and one has to flick it forward and back to rip free loose objects and swing across gaps.

And I don’t care what anyone says about the Wii running an outdated graphics engine, the game looks gorgeous even on my HD set. The alien environments are spectacular.

That’s not to say that everything is rosy in Metroid World. For a first-person shooter, the game seems to heavily favor its puzzle content. Lots of locked doors with unnecessarily complicated mechanisms that make me wonder how the janitors even reach their roll-tubes in the morning. Most adversaries I’ve encountered so far are pushovers, except of course for the bosses. While the latter aren’t impossible to beat by any means, it’s a matter of shooting, and shooting, and shooting some more, slowly wearing down their long health bars.

I’ve also been annoyed by some of the arbitrary impediments I’ve encountered. For example, passages which are blocked by ice that is inexplicably untouchable by my vast array of weaponry. My built-in scanner says that this ice can be melted by a high-temperature source, which apparently doesn’t apply to me, even though I piss energy beams. Likewise, many barricades are made of materials which can only be penetrated by a specific weapon, and of course, I usually don’t have the one in question. When I scan an object (one does a lot of scanning in this game), I’ll typically get a message like “This door is made of Mergatroid*,” and then it’s a matter of both finding the anti-Mergatroid missile and remembering where you needed it in the first place.

*Possibly not an actual material used in the game.

Finally–and this is something I only now discovered–unlocking certain content on the disc requires one to earn credits of various colors. Most of them are gained by scanning new items or performing certain tasks, but the green credits (which are part of the price of every unlockable) can only be obtained by finding “friends vouchers” which must be traded with gamers on your online “friends” list. From my perspective, there are three problems with this:

• I don’t have a wireless connection to the Internet.
• I don’t have any friends who own a Wii.
• I don’t have any friends who also own Metroid Prime 3: Corruption.

So, there you go, all of the bonus unlockables are completely unavailable to me. Granted, they’re nothing all that special (bumper stickers for your ship, a Mii “bobblehead,” and such), but still, it’s a pisser to have a game that demands that you interact with other gamers. Here’s the best bit: it doesn’t otherwise include a multiplayer mode.

It’s not a deal-breaker, but as a sign of things to come in the digital gaming frontier, I can’t say that I’m taking it well.

Dave Videogames Metroid, reviews, Wii

In Centennial Colorado, there’s a guy who loves his popcorn just a little too much.

Dave Weird popcorn