As nerd culture seeps ever more into the mainstream, it’s not surprising to see it cropping up in prime-time network TV. But it’s easy to see which shows really have geek cred and which are just posers. Last night, I saw an example of each.

First up was The Big Bang Theory. I’ve only recently begun to watch this series, mostly while I’m waiting for How I Met Your Mother to start. It’s fairly standard issue sitcom stuff: four genius nerd friends and the hot blonde who lives across the hall. But what sets it apart is the obvious care taken in getting things right. While I’m not knowledgeable enough to confirm the science/math references (the credits list a science consultant), I do know that the geek stuff is bang on the money.

Last night’s episode was about the gang purchasing the original prop of “the Time Machine” from the classic ’60s movie of the same name. I missed the first part, but I gather that the aforementioned blonde derided one of them for his “toys,” causing a crisis of faith which nearly had him selling off his collectibles to the local comics dealer. (I took comfort in the fact that he ultimately changed his mind. And also when one of the nerds called her out on her Beanie Babies and Hello Kitty shorts.)

But what really pleased me was that not only did we get a dream sequence featuring movie-accurate Morlocks (as in the photo, right), but even a dream-within-a-dream which recast them as movers wearing embroidered uniforms reading “Starving Morlocks.” (Which, if you know what Morlocks eat, is pretty funny.) Furthermore, we got references to the Golden Age Flash, the Justice Society of America, and a rare Geordi LaForge action figure mistakenly packaged without his VISOR. And, unlike the film The 40 Year Old Virgin, which decorated the apartment of an alleged uber-collector with whatever random toys they picked up from the clearance aisle at Toys ‘R Us, the props people here made sure to have an actual Golden Age Flash figure on hand.

I’m not a big fan of The Big Bang Theory, but I do enjoy that the geeks aren’t just objects of scorn. Cringe-worthy moments are rare.

On the other end of the Cringe-o-meter was last night’s Star Wars-themed episode of Deal or No Deal. I’m not a regular Deal watcher, but I do believe that the “march of the models” which begins every game is one of the things for which television was invented. And I’ll be the first to admit that my entire reason for tuning in last night was the promise of 26 Slave Leias in formation.

But, despite (because of?) the obvious cooperation of Lucasfilm, it was painful to watch. First off were all of the lame “use the Force” references, which went as far as having Darth Vader telekinetically open the cover of the “Deal” button. (Cue the “oohs” and “aahs.”) And having the Dark Lord fill in as “the Banker” was funnier in theory than in practice. He sat up in the booth, quoting random Vader lines from the films as if he was his very own fanboy. (At least the James Earl Jones soundalike was good.)

Stormtroopers entering the corporate world.	Oh, Annie, how low have you sunk?

They had two Star Wars fans competing to see which one would end the game with the larger cash amount (with the winner taking all), but the confluence of real-life geekery and typical game show contestant enthusiasm led to many embarrassing moments, including the worst. Yoda. impression. ever.

Then there were the special guest stars cheering them on. Carrie Freakin’ Fisher showed up to debase herself on behalf of a woman who, as we were repeatedly told, escaped from Vietnam as a child and found a role model in Princess Leia. (The real Carrie Fisher: not quite so much a role model.) Backed up by the leader of the Rebellion and the will of the Force, the contestant achieved a stunningly low total of $13,000.

“You there! The one in the white helmet!”

Ms. Fisher was shuffled offstage before the army of Slave Leias arrived, ostensibly to avoid giving the second contestant any clue as to how much he’d need to win, but probably so that there’d be no attempt at comparing drug-and-age-ravaged Carrie to 26 hot, young Carrie wanna-bes. Instead, geek #2 had R2-D2 and Chewbacca in his cheering section. Or rather, some tall dude in a Chewbacca suit. Giving high fives. Honestly, I would’ve thought that any schmoe in a fur coat could make a decent Chewie, but this guy’s performance had me appreciating Peter Mayhew all the more.

In the end, the Lucasfilm-sanctioned event featuring real nerds seemed less authentic than the sitcom in which four actors pretended to be nerds.

Plus, those Slave Leia outfits? Not movie-accurate.

Dave TV action figures, Carrie Fisher, Chewbacca, Deal or No Deal, geek stuff, smokin' hot babes, Star Wars, The Big Bang Theory, The Time Machine

From The Brave and the Bold #70, February-March 1967

Dave Comics Comics, obsessions

What troubles me most about the following Star Trek/Monty Python mash-up is how little modification was necessary to make Kirk and Co. look like silly k-nig-its.

Dave Sci-Fi internet humor, Monty Python, Star Trek

For no good reason outside of sheer vanity, I’ve registered a domain name for this site. Welcome to thielavision.com!

Any old bookmarks will still work, as the thielavision.com address redirects to the same place. But at least I can tell people about my site without having to spell “slithytoves” or explain what a tilda mark is.

I’d thought about being thielavision.org, as .org domains were on sale. But I don’t really feel like an organization. I don’t feel like a .com either, but .name is just .lame.

Oddly enough, someone is cybersquatting on davidthiel.com, perhaps in hopes that I (or, more likely, David Thiel the DIY guy or David Thiel the videogame designer) will pony up some cash for it.

Dave Website blogs, David Thiel Superstar

No Speed Racer update for you today, but don’t worry, there’ll be more before I’ve gotten this out of my system. I’m thinking that by the time I’m done, I’ll have enough repurposable material for a decent tribute mini-site.

Instead, I’ve completely updated my DVD library, adding a bunch of recent purchases plus 17 more movie reviews, themselves repurposed from previous blog postings. Look for the shiny button to the left.

Dave Movies reviews

Second only to the “Mammoth Car” episodes, my favorite Speed Racer storyline was “The Fire Race.” This was the one in which the writers decided that driving near active volcanoes was for pansies; why not drive through one?

It began, as so many professional races do, with an international border dispute. The League of Countries demanded that the tiny nation of Kapetepek open itself to visitors, but Chief Zuma was concerned (correctly, as it turned out) that doing so would invite thieves to steal its national treasures.

The argument was settled when it was decided that an auto race would be held. If the winner was an outsider, Zuma would open the borders, but if a Kapetepekan racer won, the country would remain isolated forever. Kapetepek was to be represented by the infamous Kabala, a driver so badass that his home was full of portraits of the racers he’d killed.

Kabala also won the “pointiest nose” trophy every year.

When the racers arrived, it was only then that they learned that the course would take them through an erupting volcano. The mountain blew its stack every 100 years like a lava-riffic Old Faithful, and by sheer coincidence, it was about to go off. Furthermore, the entrances would only remain open during the brief period of eruption, after which they would seal shut for another century. (How anyone was certain that there was a traversable passage through to the other side was left unexplained.)

As a bonus, the winning racer was to be given Chief Zuma’s smoking hot granddaughter Silvana in marriage. Neither Silvana nor Trixie was happy with this arrangement. Speed was noncommittal.

As the race began, Speed noticed that Racer X was nowhere to be seen. However, there was no time to ponder this, as he would have to maintain an average speed of 160 mph to escape the underground tunnel in time.

		Some participants began to rethink that “race through the volcano” thing.

It turned out that the track wound its way through petrified forests and other strange sights. Stopped by an underground lake, the drivers were startled to see a sea monster emerging as the waters were sucked down in a whirlpool. However, the dinosaur was only a statue, which didn’t stop it from killing one of the racers when its head unexpectedly plopped off. Kabala shot through the legs of the collapsing sculpture, followed closely by the rest of the pack.

Things were further complicated, as usual, by the presence of a team of evil racers: treasure hunters led by Kadar. After whittling down the other competitors, most of them met their end thanks to an unexpectedly frisky vine plant. Kadar himself was done in when his car, overloaded with gold and jewels, failed to jump a pool of lava.

	Kadar gave one hell of a shoulder rub.

Prior to his demise, Kadar confronted Speed and Kabala in the ruins of an ancient palace. In the fracas, Kabala’s goggles fell off, and…

…was revealed to be Racer X. Wearing a mask. Over his regular mask. Racer X (who, as we recall, was secretly Speed’s older brother Rex, who ran away from home years ago) had pretended to be his old racing mentor, who had died some time earlier. The Masked Masked Racer wanted to preserve Kapetepek’s borders.

Speed, however, thought the whole thing was silly; he only cared about winning. And so, the race furiously continued with the two driving underneath the skeleton of the biggest fucking dinosaur ever.

As Trixie, Zuma and Silvana waited at the end of the course, the volcano erupted a second time. The only two survivors (out of an initial 96) drove for the closing exit…

In case you were wondering, Speed Racer did not end with Speed being buried underground for a hundred years, eventually dying in starvation and madness.

The race resulted in a tie, though Zuma was adamant that Kabala was the winner. In return, Speed revealed that Kabala was not Kabala. Racer X unmasked (well, one mask anyway) and said “I’ve risked my life to save your treasure. Now, you gentlemen must come to some agreement. Compromise. Open your borders to the world some of the time.”

And so, in the years to come, international jewel thieves poured into Kapetepek, but only some of the time.

Dave Speed Racer freakin' awesome, Japanese weirdness, killer plants, smokin' hot babes, Speed Racer

“The Most Dangerous Race” also included a scene which never failed to freak my shit when I was small. The night that Trixie received word that Speed had fallen into Yawning Chasm Pass, she had a nightmare which had her running in slow motion across a reddish landscape. She then saw Speed standing next to the Mach 5, his back to her.

Now, I hate scenes in which someone slowly turns to reveal that they are some sort of monster, which was exactly what happened here. “Speed” turned out to be a blue, fanged demon who cackled, “Heehhaa! I am not Speed Racer, Speed Racer no longer exists!” Then he grabbed Trixie with his flaming arms.

Gah. It repeatedly freaked me as a second-grader. Truth to tell, it’s still pretty…well, gah.

However, because terror loves company, I’ll share with you the following nightmare fuel before wishing you a good weekend.

Sleep well.

Dave Speed Racer eeeek, Speed Racer

The only recurring villains to bedevil Speed Racer were the members of the Car Acrobatic Team, who also had the distinction of appearing in the sole three-part story of the series, “The Most Dangerous Race.” Each driver sported a uniform marked with a letter of the alphabet, and their cars deployed tiny wings to aid them in performing wild, mid-air pirouettes.

They were also stackable.

Their leader was Captain Terror, who wore the letter “Z” for “zesty.” One look and it was easy to see why he wasn’t called “Captain Snuggles.”

Captain Terror hurried to the dentist for a deep gum cleaning.

Aside from Cap’n Z (affectionately known as “Ol’ Smiley”), the other Car Acrobat of note was Snake Oiler, who was assigned the letter “S” because he loved sandwiches. He was kind of a tool.

Speed insisted upon entering the Alpine Race despite the warnings of Racer X, and indeed found it to be a most dangerous race. The grueling, three-day course traversed icy tunnels and 1,000 foot drops; many drivers were killed attempting to jump Yawning Chasm Pass.

Speed himself failed to reach the other side, and was temporarily blinded in the crash. Somehow the Mach 5 was still drivable, and Speed located it by the smell of its oil. Racer X then showed up, determined to let Speed finish the race without realizing he was being helped.

Now, any reasonable people might’ve realized the futility of attempting to drive over a treacherous mountain course while blind, but reason was in short supply at the Racer household. Racer X’s solution: to drive his own car and allow Speed to follow in the Mach 5 by listening for the distinctive sound of the Shooting Star’s engine. Surprisingly, this didn’t quite work.

When Speed became stuck in the mud, the Masked Racer faked a crash and pretended to be injured so that he could provide the eyes while Speed provided the legs. Amazingly, the pair managed to catch up to the sole remaining racer, Snake Oiler. Unknown to him, Snake’s car had sprung a bad oil leak, and he ignored the warnings of Speed and Racer X.

And by now you should know what that meant.

Snake didn’t die, but was badly injured and carried off the course by Captain Terror, who vowed revenge. That didn’t occur until the next-to-last episode of the series, when the surviving Car Acrobats (who didn’t appear to include Oiler) challenged Speed to a final race. However, it turned out that all of them were being set up by International Spies, Incorporated, who planned to kill both Speed and Racer X by wiring the Car Acrobatic Team’s vehicles to explode. In the end, Speed teamed up with Captain Terror and blew up the spies’ headquarters by parking the rigged cars nearby.

Snake Oiler is featured prominently in both the merchandising and advertising for the upcoming film. I’m not certain whether the rest of his team will join him, but it looks like pretty much everyone is a car acrobat in this one.

Dave Speed Racer shit blows up, Speed Racer

A little after 4:35 this morning, Illinois was hit with a 5.2 earthquake. It’s not the first time I’ve woken up in the middle of a temblor; I did live in California for a year. It was still pretty freaky: the closet door was rattling and at first I thought one of the cats was in there having an epileptic fit. However, they were both in bed with us. It seemed to go on for half a minute or so, and Vic and I just rode it out. Tigger purred loudly for the next hour or so.

So far, I haven’t discovered any damage, and toyroom casualties were light. Mara Jade took out Darth Vader, but both were saved by the Emperor. An unidentified Rebel pilot stumbled off the flight deck with only minor injuries. An AT-AT driver was not so fortunate, plunging a full six feet to his doom. His in-helmet recorder picked up his final cry.

I must also report the death of one of the Empire’s senior officers: Admiral Piett. A career member of the Imperial Navy, Piett’s efficient work and ability to stay in the good graces of Darth Vader saw him quickly rise to a top position within the Sith Lord’s personal fleet. He is survived by his wife Merva and his twin sons, Rix and Jaxxon. He will be missed.

Dave General action figures, earthquakes, Star Wars

Before I delve any further into the world of Speed Racer, I want to acknowledge my primary information sources:

• Speed Racer: The Official 30th Anniversary Guide by Elizabeth Moran, published 1997 by Hyperion. It’s a handy reference guide, though I’m finding that its spellings of character names aren’t necessarily accurate.
• Speed Racer, an unofficial but highly informative website that gets much deeper into the series than I intend to do myself.

Now that we’ve met some of Speed’s rivals and foes, let’s look in on his family and friends.

One thing you may not have known about the Racer clan is that they really weren’t named “Racer” at all, at least not in Japan. Speed’s original name was Goh Mifune, with “Goh” intended as a bilingual pun on both the English word “go” and the Japanese word for “five,” as in “Mach 5.” (The series’ Japanese title was Mach Go Go Go, making clever use of all three meanings.) The embroidered “G” on Speed’s shirt referred to his Japanese name, and the big “M” on the Mach 5 was for Mifune Motors.

Pops Racer is seen above in his natural state: shouting. It was his stubborn belligerence which caused his son Rex to take to masked vigilantism, and it initially caused a rift between him and Speed when the latter wanted to follow in his brother’s tire tracks.

Before he became a race car designer/builder, Pops was a champion wrestler. Woe to the unfortunate thug on the receiving end of Pops’ moves.

Trixie (whose embroidered letter “M” stands for her Japanese name Michi) was Speed’s girlfriend. Her favorite outfit involved a pink, shapeless blouse which appeared to be a potato sack tied at the shoulders. I believe that Trixie’s lack of sartorial confidence may have explained why she became fiercely jealous every time a pretty girl showed up.

On the other hand, Trixie owned her own helicopter, which was useful when Speed needed an eye in the sky. She was also good in a fight. Still, too bad about the potato sack.

The youngest member of the Racers was Spritle, whose bottomless pit of an appetite served a sugar-fueled penchant for mischief that quite often got Speed out of a mess. His constant companion was the family monkey Chim-Chim.

It still nags me: why did they dress their youngest son and their monkey in the same outfit?

Spritle and Chim-Chim had a habit of hiding in the trunk of the Mach 5, in complete violation of both child restraint laws and inertia. When Speed’s back was against the wall, they provided valuable support.

Such as recruiting a squad of rock-throwing monkeys.

There’s not much to say about the final two members of the team. Sparky fixed the car. Mom Racer baked cookies.

Mom Racer will be played by Susan Sarandon in the movie, and she can bake my cookies any time.

Dave Speed Racer monkeys, Speed Racer