Setting: A movie studio executive’s office.

Executive #1: I’ve got an idea! Let’s make a feature film version of The X-Files!

Executive #2: The X-Files? Wasn’t that canceled?

Executive #3: Six years ago.

Executive #2: And hasn’t it been about nine years since anyone cared about it?

Executive #3: Yep.

Executive #2: Plus, didn’t we already make that movie?

Executive #1: Sure, but this one will be completely different!

Executives #2 and #3: How so?

Executive #1: Well, remember all that stuff about aliens?

Executive #2: You mean the central premise of the TV show and the first movie.

Executive #1: Yes. But, come on, everyone knows that “mythology” didn’t make any fucking sense in the end. And we want to make this flick accessible to a general audience.

Executive #3: The people who weren’t interested in The X-Files during its nine-year TV run.

Executive #1: Of course! Because nothing gets people to plunk down eight bucks for a movie ticket like a tie-in to a long-dead show that they never watched when it was free.

Executive #2: Hey, didn’t the series end on something of a cliffhanger?

Executive #3: I think that the aliens were going to destroy the world in 2012…or something. I lost track, or possibly fell asleep.

Executive #1: Erm…yes, but alien invasion films are expensive and shit.

Executive #2: Plus, that’s just so Spielberg.

Executive #1: Right, so we’re going to completely fail to follow up that dangling end of the world plot line and make one of those “monster of the week” episodes that the fans liked so much.

Executive #2: The fans that we’re not pitching this toward.

Executive #3: Oh, I remember those stories: the flukeman, the squeezy-guy, the killer cockroaches. Those were cool!

Executive #2: So, it’s gonna be about the flukeman?

Executive #1: No, no, nothing like that. Instead, we’ll make it more like one of the other episodes. You know, the ones that were pretty much like every generic horror film that’s come out in the last six years.

Executive #2: Umm…

Executive #1: Plus, we’ll market the film in such a vague manner that no one will have any idea what it’s about. Except that it features Mulder and Scully.

Executive #3: Those two characters that appeared in the TV show that the people we’re trying to attract didn’t watch.

Executive #1: Okay, I sense that you’re not really getting it. How about this? We end the film with Mulder and Scully…

Executive #2: The people that the summer movie audience doesn’t care about…

Executive #1: …and they wave at the camera!

Executive #3: Wait! Doesn’t that pretty much fly in the face of the show’s dark, pessimistic mien?

Executive #1: Mien? Isn’t that a pretentious word for a movie executive?

Executive #3: Sorry.

Executive #2: Getting back to that “waving” thing, wouldn’t it also be unbearably cheesy?

Executive #1: Yes…but…we’ll put Scully in a bikini!

Executives #2 and #3: Brilliant! We’re sold!

Executive #3: So, when should we release it?

Executive #1: I was thinking that the best time would be the weekend immediately after the premiere of The Dark Knight.

Executive #2: You mean, the summer’s most anticipated geek fest?

Executive #3: Starring America’s favorite recently-deceased actor in an acclaimed, head-turning performance?

Executive #1: That’s the one!

Executives #2 and #3: Genius!

End Scene.

Dave Rant marketing b.s., The Dark Knight, The X-Files

Today I turned forty-four, which is least fifteen too many. Despite that, it’s been a good day. We borrowed our niece and nephew for the weekend, and have spent much of the time down in the basement with the Wii.

Right now, Vic and Kelly (the niece) are in the other room playing Wii Sports Baseball. One of the things I love about the game is the way it randomly fills out the team rosters with whatever Miis happen to be stored on the system. So it is that the players include our friends Dave L., Rob, Chris and Christine, plus such luminaries as Mr. T, Weird Al, Mr. Spock, Einstein and Adolf Hitler. In my just-completed match against David (the nephew), Adolf knocked one of the park. That’s Hitler for you!

My birthday turned out to have an unintentional Lego Indiana Jones theme, in that Vic bought me both the Wii video game and one of the building sets: the temple from the first few minutes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cool!

And there were brownies. Yay!

Dave General happy happy joy joy, Indiana Jones, Lego, one year closer to death, Wii

This was the weekend that I was determined to get caught up on this summer’s flicks. In addition to the aforementioned Dark Knight, I also took in Hellboy II and WALL*E.

Vic and I went to Hellboy II on Friday night, when everyone (and I mean everyone, I think the whole county was there) was seeing Batman. The multiplex literally canceled all of the evening screenings at one of the two auditoriums slated for Hellboy to handle Bat-overflow. Poor Hellboy: number one last week, now a forgotten freak. Someone at Universal should have their head examined for opening it a week before Batmania.

I enjoyed Hellboy II quite a bit, though it didn’t reach my too-high expectations. I love the breezy humor of the Hellboy films, and I appreciate that this version of the character is still a part of the B.P.R.D. team. (Unlike Mike Mignola’s comics series, which for years has had Hellboy on a solo vision quest.)

I was initially intrigued by the premise of the film, in which the faerie world intended to rise up against modern humanity, but I was disappointed that the rebellion was really just one pissed-off elf. In general, I found the villain of the piece uninteresting.

However, the imagination on display was enthralling. I loved the humongous plant elemental, the chattering tooth fairies and the many strange denizens of the Troll Market. I also got a kick out of the many background details, such as the episode of Night Gallery on Hellboy’s TV and the inclusion of one of the aliens from Lovecraft’s “At the Mountains of Madness,” which is said to be one of director Guillermo del Toro’s dream film projects.

I do hope that there will be a Hellboy III, though I’m concerned that the Batman-fueled audience drop-off may discourage that. I like this cast, and I want to see them pay off the still-percolating idea that Hellboy himself is destined to be the harbinger of the Apocalypse.

Today we went to see WALL*E. Now, normally I don’t like to comment on people that I know personally in this blog, but I feel that I must make an exception. Recently, one of my friends (who shall remain nameless, but knows who he is) told me that not only didn’t he enjoy WALL*E, but that he was bored by it. Now, I mean this with all due respect, but…

You, sir, are a crack-smoking monkey. (I still love ya, man.)

Rarely do I reach the end of a movie and feel the desire to stand up and applaud, but this was such a case. I sincerely believe this is Pixar’s greatest effort to date. It’s sweet, sad, uplifting and hilarious. It takes its liabilities–little dialogue, mechanical characters and a garbage-choked future–and turns them into huge advantages.

WALL*E himself is a triumph of wringing expression and personality out of often subtle movement. But even more impressive is the “acting ability” of his lady love EVE, who has less of a face and even fewer moving parts. And who knew one could make such a winning character out of a mute, unnamed cockroach?

The Pixar animators have terrific comic timing, as they prove in the short that precedes WALL*E. Presto is an excellent throwback to the physics ballet of vintage Warner Bros. cartoons, with its central conceit–a pair of linked magical hats–played out in endless permutations. WALL*E follows with many fun sight gags of its own.

The main feature is something of a Lorax for the new millennium, but it takes Dr. Seuss’ storyline a step further by having its characters actually plant the seed and reclaim the Earth. And while its eco-friendly message may not be anything new, it’s got a second moral up its sleeve: that you can accomplish miracles if you just get off your dead, fat ass. I think it’s telling that the fate of the human race ultimately depends on someone pushing a button marked “manual.”

One of the many things I loved about WALL*E is the way that its title character touches everyone he meets. His quirky friendliness literally causes others to consider new perspectives and try new things, from something as simple as waving goodbye to the rebellious act of willfully jumping off one’s assigned path.

Like many movie summers, this one often makes up in volume what it lacks in substance, so it’s nice when something like WALL*E comes along as a good example of the latter.

Dave Movies Hellboy, reviews, WALL*E

Folks are all in a lather over The Dark Knight. Over on the Invincible Super-Blog, comics blogger extraordinaire Chris Sims sums it up with a two-word review: “Fucking Awesome.” I don’t intend to dispute that, but I do take issue with the sentiment expressed by one of those who commented on his post:

But Ledger is the joker (sic). Not the most convincing joker, not the definitive joker, not even the best joker. He just simply is the joker.

No, this is the Joker.

And this is the Joker.

And this is most certainly the Joker.

I don’t know what this is…

…but it’s not the Joker.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I am guilty of the sin of hypocrisy, as I have regularly railed against those who would whine that Spider-Man shouldn’t have organic webshooters or that Bumblebee should be a Volkswagen, yet I would myself get my panties in a bunch about Heath Ledger not being a legitimate Joker. I’m also guilty of pretending to be a Catholic, but hear me out anyway.

The trademark of the Joker isn’t his white skin, green hair or poor dress sense, but his rictus grin. His look was originally based on Conrad Veidt’s makeup in the silent film The Man Who Laughs. Like Veidt’s character, the Joker’s mouth is unnaturally wide and permanently frozen in a parody of amusement. And his preferred method of murder is a lethal toxin that draws up the lips in a similar mocking grimace.

So, right off the bat I’ve got a problem with Ledger’s Joker, whose smile is merely suggested by facial scarring and a wide smear of red makeup, and who never once leaves his victims laughing to death. I could accept it as a valid alternate-universe interpretation of the character–the film equivalent of one of DC Comics’ Elseworlds books–but the real deal?

The Joker, as portrayed in The Dark Knight, is supposed to be an avatar of anarchy. Yet his plans are intricate and meticulous; he spends most of the film four steps ahead of everyone. His actions aren’t random or mercurial, they’re thought through and designed to make a point. Since when does The Joker have a point?

Robbing banks and knifing people is beneath him. This is a character who once attempted to copyright fish. The Joker is motivated by irrationality and a sick sense of humor. By contrast, the villain seen in The Dark Knight rarely goes for a laugh. (Admittedly, the “faulty detonator” scene was pretty funny, and the flaming fire truck was a nice visual gag. But those were exceptions.)

That’s not to say that the film is bad. Honestly, it’s got an awful lot going for it, including a well-crafted plot that if anything is perhaps a bit overdeveloped. Its themes are convincingly followed through. The pacing of individual scenes is excellent, even though the overall movie is too long. (Two-Face enters the story very late. I would’ve cut the entire subplot about the investigator who attempts to reveal Batman’s identity, which is never fully resolved. It’s also redundant, as the Joker’s attempt to coerce ordinary people to become murderers is repeated more effectively later on.)

The Dark Knight does an awful lot right, including Two-Face’s reliance on random chance and the curious relationship between Batman and the Joker, eternally locked in combat yet each unwilling to kill the other. Contrast to Tim Burton’s film, which had Bats launching air-to-ground missiles at the Joker’s head.

It also had several punch-the-air moments, and an uplifting, inspirational scene that was welcome if oddly out-of-place in what was otherwise an unrelenting orgy of bullets to the head. (I mean, Jesus, wasn’t there any better plan for luring the Joker into the open than running a gauntlet that saw dozens of cops butchered?)

But all this talk of an Oscar for Heath Ledger? Really? He was good enough, I guess, but I don’t see what’s so spectacular about the performance. Most of the time, I thought he was channeling Christian Slater.

Must be the laughing gas.

Dave Movies Batman, I don't get it, reviews, The Dark Knight, The Joker

The trailer for the upcoming Watchmen movie went online today. While I’m sure that rabid fanboys (not to mention Alan Moore) are preparing to stab it with their steely knives, I gotta say that it looks right. Watchmen is a story that I thought could never be filmed, but damned if they aren’t giving it what appears to be a pretty good try.

Dave Movies adaptations, trailers, Watchmen

Don’t forget: part two of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog debuted today. Neil Patrick Harris (who just received another well-deserved Emmy nomination for playing Barney on How I Met Your Mother) is terrific in this, as Dr. Horrible’s unrequited love for the girl at the laundromat leads him toward a final (fatal?) confrontation with his nemesis Captain Hammer. (“The hammer is my penis.”) I’m really looking forward to the throw-down in act three this Saturday!

Dave Weird Dr. Horrible, Joss Whedon, Neil Patrick Harris, penis

With 10.5 million viewers, the season finale of Doctor Who was the most-watched program on British TV for the week, according to the Doctor Who News Page. It came in 1.5 million viewers ahead of the number two show (Wimbledon coverage) and even crushed the perennially popular nighttime soaps. It’s apparently the first time in its 45-year history that it has topped the ratings.

Sadly, it doesn’t work that way over here…

Dave Doctor Who Doctor Who

Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy and Firefly, today unveiled his latest project, an online film called Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Apparently it’s something he conceived during the writers’ strike and did on the cheap. He recruited Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion to play along as arch-villain Dr. Horrible and hero Captain Hammer, respectively. And…it’s a musical. (Nothing wrong with that; Whedon’s musical episode of Buffy was one of that series’ high points.)

Act One went live today, with Act Two debuting Thursday and Act Three on Saturday. (Saturday?) It’s only up through Sunday, though you can buy the whole thing via iTunes.

I thought it was kinda “meh” at first, as Neil spends the first few minutes talking to the camera answering his viewer mail. Once the music begins to kick in, however, the energy picks up. I particularly enjoyed the love song in which Dr. Horrible pines for the girl at the laundromat while threatening to stop the world with his freeze ray.

Catch it before it’s gone. (That is, if you can overcome the site traffic!)

Dave Weird Dr. Horrible, internet humor, Joss Whedon, Neil Patrick Harris

Announced today by Adam Pawlus of Galactic Hunter: an exclusive set of Star Wars figures based “on the Crimson Empire flashback scene in which we see Kir Kanos and Carnor Jax in training.”

Crimson Empire, for those of you who have lives, is a Dark Horse comic book about the guys who make up the Emperor’s Royal Guard: the ones with the red robes and the phallic helmets. If there’s one thing that Star Wars fans love, it’s dudes in all-concealing headgear who stand around looking bad-ass. (See: Fett, Boba.) The Royal Guard are so stone cold that they don’t do a single thing in the entire film saga. They don’t need to prove anything.

But it seems that before donning the Red Robes of Awesome, they go through a training phase in which they dress up as their favorite Power Ranger. I believe that the guy in the black robes above must be the wizard Zordon.

Click through for the full horror.

Dave Toys action figures, pointless waste of time, Star Wars, WTF

This weekend, while waiting for Vic to return home, I caught up on some recently-purchased Doctor Who DVDs from a boxed-set of linked stories given the umbrella title “Beneath the Surface.”

First up was “Doctor Who and the Silurians,” the only story in the 45-year history of the series to utilize the “Doctor Who and the…” naming convention for its title. It’s one in the continuing adventures of a bloke whose name is absolutely NOT “Doctor Who,” so just get that right out of your head. Never mind those twenty years’ worth of end credits to the contrary. Or the episode titled “The Death of Doctor Who.” Or the one in which the evil computer WOTAN demanded Doctor Who’s presence. Or that the Doctor gave his antique car the license plate WHO 1. Just forget all that. It’s just “The Doctor,” so there.

Similarly, the Silurians are not really Silurians at all, even though that’s what the Doctor dubs them on the basis of some exceedingly flimsy evidence: a globe of the Earth in which the continents appear as they allegedly did in the Silurian period of prehistory. In a later episode, he suggests that whomever named them Silurians should have more properly called them Eocenes instead, never mind that he himself was that person. And never mind that the first time he meets one face to face, he says “Hello, are you a Silurian?” and the creature nods. But perhaps, like the Doctor, they’re used to people calling them the wrong thing.

These Silurians are not at all related to the New York society of the same name even though one is a group of veteran print journalists and the other is a race of ancient, underground reptiles who intend to retake the Earth they once dominated. Though I can see where one might make that mistake.

Anyhow, “The Doctor and the Eocenes” is an excellent four-part story in seven parts. And yes, it takes four full episodes to get to the same point in the plot that a later four-parter would have reached at its first cliffhanger. (Reduce that to 12 minutes for modern day Who.)

This is one of the episodes in which the Doctor’s companion is Dr. Liz Shaw. She’s smart, sexy, and a more legitimate example of a “liberated woman” than those later companions who went out of their way to identify themselves as such. And that’s despite a wardrobe of ridiculously short skirts that surely would have undermined her credibility at the lab even as they increased her ability to attract research grants. Liz appears to have a doctorate in “Science,” as she’s equally adept at medical biology and running a nuclear reactor.

Word to the wise: do NOT watch the special features of this DVD, as they interview a former actress named Caroline John who claims to be the woman who played the very leggy Liz Shaw, even though this Caroline John is clearly just a crone people hired to scare kids away from bowls of candy. I made the mistake, and afterward I COULD NOT HELP superimposing one over the other. It totally ruined the miniskirt thing.

The story, by the way, should more properly be called “Doctor Who and the Belligerent Sons-of-Bitches,” as most of the characters (at least, those whose hemlines are below the knee) are arrogant jerks who will not listen to anything anyone says even in the face of multiple eyewitnesses, mountains of evidence and people dropping dead like giant maggots that got into Professor Jones’ fungus powder. The only one who does listen is the nameless Silurian leader, who is pretty much the Doctor with scales, and he’s promptly shot dead by the overzealous, spastic “Young Silurian.”

On the other hand, it’s okay because most of the assholes die, except for the Doctor’s associate Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, who, soon after blowing the Silurian species into bite-sized chunks, becomes one of the most beloved characters of the franchise. (And, no joke, has recently been seen shooting a scene for season two of spin-off series The Sarah Jane Adventures. Yes, the show specifically for kids.) Granted that the Brig really does put off mass murder until after the Silurians invade the nuclear reactor complex twice, and attempt to kill the entire human race (again, twice) first by pandemic and later by destroying the Earth’s protective belt of (er…) radiation. So, honestly, when the Doctor starts talking about waking up the hibernating Silurians AGAIN to talk reason into them–only one a time, mind you, so there’s nothing that could go wrong–the Brig is pretty well justified is nuking the works.

Next up was “The Sea Devils,” which isn’t so much a sequel of “…And The Silurians” as it is a remake. This time, the prehistoric reptiles emerge from the bottom of the ocean instead of a cave complex, but otherwise it’s pretty much once again the Doctor unsuccessfully attempting to broker peace between humans and monsters, neither of which are having any of it.

This time the rush to war is led by an especially odious bureaucrat named Walker, who blandly munches on a plate of food even while he’s provoking all-out conflict. He really might be one of the worst villains in the entire series, not because of the intent or scope of his crimes, but because he just doesn’t give a shit.

Clocking in at a mere six parts, “The Sea Devils” moves more quickly than its predecessor, and the production works in jetskis, a hovercraft, location filming at an abandoned sea fort and even a reasonably convincing battle between British naval troops and attacking reptiles. It also has the benefit of Roger Delgado as the Doctor’s nemesis, the Master, whose basic plot function here is to stir up the black ants and the red ants and watch the carnage.

I’m too lazy to go back and research whether these two stories were the first instances of Doctor Who overtly moralizing the pettiness and waste of war, but certainly they’re among the most notable. By the time the Silurians and Sea Devils made a reappearance in “Warriors of the Deep” 12 years later, it’s pretty much a given that it’s all going to be a tragic tale of misunderstandings leading to massive death on both sides. “There should’ve been another way,” the Fifth Doctor famously states. But as long as mankind clings to its hatred of people in dodgy lizard suits, there never will be.

Dave Doctor Who assholes, Doctor Who, eeeek, reviews, Sea Devils, Silurians, smokin' hot babes