Star Tours was the second* collaboration between filmmaker George Lucas and the Disney theme parks, and the first ride based on Star Wars. Employing a squadron of hydraulically-powered simulator cabins in synchronization with a four-minute special-effects film, it sent its passengers on a raucous galactic vacation piloted by a cheerful, hapless droid named Rex. It was a sort of Star Wars “greatest hits,” with a dangerous flight through ice asteroids, an encounter with an Imperial Star Destroyer and a climatic trench run against yet another Death Star.

I was fortunate enough to be living in Southern California in January 1987 when the original Star Tours ride opened at Disneyland. In celebration, the park stayed open for 60 hours straight, and I was there for much of it. So it was fitting that I just happened to be visiting Orlando the week prior to the official unveiling of the rebooted Star Tours at Walt Disney World this past Friday. The circle is now complete.

Rocking my R2-D2 mouse ears, sporting some 3-D "flight goggles" and generally looking like the hugest dork in Dorkville.

I’d originally intended to wait a day before visiting so as to avoid the crowds, but my friend (and fellow Disneyphile) Sherri talked me into attending on opening day itself. I’m glad that she did.

There was a massive Star Wars hootenanny going on throughout the Disney Hollywood Studios park, with costumed characters everywhere and more than a few foolish fans who wore their Jedi robes in the 90+ degree heat. There were several “celebrities” in attendance in additional to the inevitable Anthony (C-3PO) Daniels. Young Boba Fett! The voice of Ahsoka Tano**! Some other people!

I would have made a "these aren't the droids you're looking for" joke, but the Stormtroopers beat me to it.

Oh, yes…and a dude named George Lucas. I was asking a Disney cast member why it was that the ride itself wasn’t opening ’til noon when he let it slip that “the big guy” himself would be attending. To which Sherri said “Spielberg?” (Sherri swears that she said “Lucas” first, but I didn’t hear that. And it was a lot funnier this way.)

I didn’t see George in person this time***, but a video screen near the ride queue displayed the opening ceremony. It kicked off with a silly bit in which two hooded Jedi fought their way through a horde of Stormtroopers and blasted the force field encapsulating Star Tours, only to be revealed as Lucas and Disney president Bob Iger. George went on to cut the line in front of me, the fucker.

The waiting area for the ride is much the same as it’s been these past 24 years–C-3PO and R2-D2 continue to bicker–but changes reflect our real-life obsession with travel security. Now the addled goose droids**** check baggage for smuggled weapons and subject guests to a thermal scan. It’s all in good fun, though, and part of a story line about a search for a rebel spy which amusingly pays off once the ride is underway.

Poor Rex has been packed in a crate waiting for a factory recall that will never come.

The ride itself? As much as I loved the original, Star Tours 2.0 sends a proton torpedo right up its exhaust port. It makes the Kessel Run in nine parsecs. It’s all that and a bag of death sticks.

What’s different? The film is now in 3-D, and it’s good 3-D. What’s more, the single scenario of the original has been replaced by a randomly-generated sequence which promises more than 50 different combinations*****.

I was only able to view three of the six planets. My first ride included a trip to the desert world Tatooine and participation in its dangerous pod race, as well as a splash landing in the creature-filled oceans of Naboo. The second time I got Naboo again, but I also flew through a battle on the ice planet Hoth. (Other excursions include the Imperial homeworld Coruscant, the Wookiee world Kashyyyk and a dogfight against Boba Fett over a mid-construction Death Star.)

It’s giddy fun, and if you’re in any way a Star Wars fan, you owe it to yourself to board a freighter to the Orlando system. (Star Tours is also officially debuting in Anaheim in June, though soft openings have already begun.)

* The first was Captain Eo, the 3-D film that starred Michael Jackson from his marginally-less-creepy days.

**You know, Anakin’s padawan trainee from the Clone Wars cartoon series. Who is so vital to the saga that she doesn’t appear in any of the live-action films.

*** Just as well. He is, I am reminded, a hack and a ne’er-do-well.

**** So named because they were originally built out of left-over goose armatures from the defunct America Sings attraction.

***** There are actually only 11 different segments. Here’s a spoilery preview video showing many of them.

Dave Star Wars George Lucas is a hack and a ne'er-do-well, Star Tours, Walt Disney World

I’ve got a big week coming up. Tonight I’m doing the on-stage introduction for The Red Green Wit & Wisdom Tour, actor Steve Smith’s live stage show. It’s no big deal–just a few words and a couple of jokes–but it’s my first time before an audience in quite a while.

Tomorrow I’m off to Orlando for the PBS Annual Meeting, which means three days of meetings and networking. It also means I’ll be taking a few extra days to hit the parks. This’ll be my first time at Universal’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter. And the new Star Wars ride opens at Disney Hollywood this Friday! I was at Disneyland in Anaheim for the opening weekend of the original Star Tours back in ’87, so it’ll be great to maintain the tradition!

But first a little sci-fi TV wrap-up. Last week the broadcast networks announced their series pickups for the fall, and V unsurprisingly received the axe. It’s hard to feel very badly about that; it was a show that squandered every opportunity to become compelling TV. They brought back Jane Badler as lizard baddy Diana but kept her in a cell for nine episodes and killed her minutes after her escape. The final installment reintroduced original series star Mark Singer as the leader of a human military alliance, but it was too little and far too late. (Note to TV producers: maybe you don’t want to wait two entire seasons to add some combat action to your alien invasion series.)

Smallville concluded Friday, and it was every bit as frustrating at the end as it had been these past ten years. The evil god Darkseid brought his warworld Apokolips on a collision course with the Earth, and if you think that sounds like an opportunity for some exciting Super-action, well then you haven’t been producing Smallville. Look, I know that the series was more soap than superhero, but really, when there’s a giant flaming planet looming in the sky, it might be time to stop yapping about your personal issues and put on the Superman suit. I swear that about every ten minutes I shouted at the TV, “Put on the fucking suit!” And would it have killed the showrunners to give us one decent shot of Tom Welling wearing the costume? Ten years, folks. Ten years.

Last night’s Doctor Who was a big step up from the previous week’s lightweight pirate episode, “The Curse of the Black Spot.” The latter seemed content to repeat the basic premise of Steven Moffat’s first script for modern Who, “The Empty Child.” An automated alien medical device that tries to repair humans but doesn’t have the instruction manual? Been there, inhaled the nanoprobes.

The new installment, “The Doctor’s Wife,” was written by famous fantasist Neil Gaiman. I’d been both anticipating and dreading this one. I’ve generally enjoyed what I’ve read of Gaiman’s novels, but the setting–a living junkyard planet named House inhabited by people named Auntie and Uncle–sounded rather twee. However, I think it all turned out rather well. It was a bit fan-fictiony, what with the Doctor meeting a human incarnation of his beloved TARDIS, but at least it was good fan-fiction.

That’s all for now. Gotta put on my Possum Lodge costume and get ready for the show. Don’t know how much time I’ll have for blogging this next week, and it’s hard to do on the iPad in any case. Back next week!

Dave TV Doctor Who, Neil Gaiman, Smallville, V

Back when Smallville premiered on the WB network in October 2001, if you would’ve told me that it would still be on the air ten full seasons later, I would have chortled. Guffawed, even. The notion that a TV series that transplanted the Silver Age adventures of Superboy into a blatant photocopy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s Sunnydale would one day become the longest-running science-fiction/fantasy series in U.S. television history was ridiculous.

And I don’t think anyone would’ve been more surprised by its longevity than Smallville‘s creators, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. They certainly didn’t appear to have planned for that contingency, adopting a strict “no flights, no tights” rule that kept Clark Kent literally grounded, pointedly not becoming Superman even as the actor who portrayed him, Tom Welling, aged into his thirties. Welling, now 34, is nearly ten years older than was Christopher Reeve when he first played Superman for the feature films.

Yet, with only one episode left–the series finale airs tomorrow–Clark has never flown* and the familiar Superman costume is still in Kryptonian mothballs. The unintended effect has been to show the Man of Steel as a weak and indecisive super-waffle.

Smallville has rarely been good, but it almost always has been watchable. In the early years, that was due mostly to actor Michael Rosenbaum as perennial foe Lex Luthor, here a tragic anti-hero pushed slowly into evil by his manipulative father and the lies told by his best friend Clark as the latter attempted to protect the secret of his powers. In an early episode, Lex told Clark, “Our friendship is going to be the stuff of legends.” It was a heartbreaking moment.

Also holding my interest was Allison Mack as intrepid school newspaper reporter and loyal friend Chloe Sullivan. The show clearly wanted me to be into Kristin Kreuk as Clark’s longtime crush Lana Lang, but–true to my preference for Mary Ann over Ginger–it was Mack for whom I carried the torch.

To say that characterization was inconsistent on Smallville was a mockery of  the concept of  inconsistency. The computerized ghost of Clark’s Kryptonian father Jor-El (voiced by Terence Stamp, who was the venomous General Zod in Superman II) bounced between being a strict dad shaping his son’s heroic destiny to a sinister presence intent on turning him into a God among men. (Though he was always a dick.)

Similarly, Lex’s dad Lionel Luthor started out as a thoroughly corrupting influence who became Clark’s good-hearted mentor even though he was still a murderer but then he was protecting Clark’s secrets from Lex and romancing Mrs. Kent even while he was revealed to be at the heart of a decades-old conspiracy that prophesied the arrival of a superbeing. My head is spinning even typing that last sentence.

I nearly gave up on Smallville during its fourth season, around the time of a protracted storyline that saw Lana possessed by the spirit of a kung-fu witch. (A kung. Fu. Witch.) But then a couple of things happened.

One was the arrival of the delectable Erica Durance as Lois Lane. Durance was eye candy to be sure, but she also played an appropriately gutsy, feisty character true to the legacy of the Loises that preceded her.

The other was that Smallville began to embrace the larger DC Comics mythology. Other superheroes began to crop up, and while the “no tights” rule largely kept them in hoodies, it was still fun to see Smallville-ized versions of the Flash, Aquaman and Cyborg.

Season six saw the introduction of Justin Hartley as Green Arrow. The hero proved so popular that he became a series regular through the end of the show’s run, despite the relative insignificance of Green Arrow in Superman’s comic-book backstory.

Watching Smallville has been like looking at Superman through a fun-house mirror. This is a show that brought us longtime supporting character Jimmy Olsen, married him to Chloe Sullivan, killed him off, then revealed that he was never the “real” Jimmy to begin with. It had evil Kryptonian supercomputer Brainiac pretend to be Clark’s college professor, and murderous monster Doomsday moonlight as a paramedic.

In its final years, the show has become a live-action DC Universe, with superheroes such as Zatanna, Stargirl, Hawkman, Dr. Fate, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle appearing in more-or-less accurate versions of their comic-book outfits. (Though, for some reason, Green Arrow still has that damned hoodie.)

Tomorrow night will see the end of a long, strange road. There are many burning questions to be answered. Will Lex Luthor return?** Will he still remember that Clark has superpowers? Will Clark remember that he has superpowers? And will he ever put on that fucking cape?

Keep watching. You will believe that a man can walk.

*Except when he’s turned evil. Evil Clark always flies.

**Spoiler: yes.

Dave TV pointless waste of time, Smallville, Superman

And now, a completely gratuitous screencap from last night’s Community episode, “A Fistful of Paintballs.”

Honestly, as much as I like Community, I would happily see it cancelled tomorrow if I could watch a weekly series in which Alison Brie wears this outfit and kicks all kind of ass.

Dave TV Alison Brie, smokin' hot babes

The second half of the season opener of Doctor Who–the charmingly-titled “Day of the Moon”–aired this past weekend on BBC(ohgodsomanycommercials)America. I wish that I could say that I was thoroughly satisfied by the conclusion.

As I suggested last week, showrunner and screenwriter Steven Moffat has not only embraced the season-long story arcs that previous producer Russell T. Davies toyed with, but is currently fornicating with them behind the shed. So, while we had a wrap-up of sorts in which the aliens known as the Silence were booted off Earth by Neil Armstrong’s foot, there’s still a lot of stuff left unexplained. (BIG SPOILERS!) Who killed the future Doctor? Who is the unearthly child, and how is it that she can regenerate? Why did the Silence blow up the TARDIS last year? Does Amy being simultaneously pregnant and not-pregnant mean that she’s going to give birth to Erwin Schrödinger?

The admittedly clever climax of "Day of the Moon."

And just as most of the previous year’s stories served as components of a complicated puzzle box, “The Impossible Astronaut”/”Day of the Moon” can’t be fully appreciated on their own. I’m not sure that I care for this.

Classic Who dabbled in story arcs long before they became fashionable, but most of them were loosely-connected strings of adventures. The six parts of Fourth Doctor’s year-long quest for the Key to Time largely stood alone, with only the inevitable reveal of the disguised Key segment to link them. The one exception was the fourteen-episode “Trial of a Time Lord” season, and that was frankly a hot mess.

The problem as I see it is that Doctor Who remains, first and foremost, a kids’ show. That doesn’t mean that it has to be stupid, but it should be accessible. I can’t imagine the average eight-year-old being able to keep this plot straight.

At this point I’ll use my wife Vicky as an example. Not because she’s eight, but because she’s coming at it with only a casual interest. She hated classic Who, and while she acknowledged that the new series was a vast improvement, it wasn’t until last week that she voluntarily sat down to watch it with me. Now, Vicky is far past first principles when it comes to Doctor Who; she knows about Time Lords and regeneration and “bigger on the inside.” But I found myself having to explain huge chunks of backstory about River Song and the Silence. In the end, she generally enjoyed the episodes–laughing at all the right places–but she was confused by the plot. (Keep in mind that she made it through all six seasons of Lost, including the time-travel stuff.)

I could put forward a bunch of theories about what’s up with the Silence and how I think they may be trying to genetically engineer a new race of Time Lords subservient to their will. (The TARDIS knockoff from last season’s “The Lodger” put in another appearance as the Silence control room.) But honestly, I know that I have next to no chance of sussing out Steven Moffat’s 17-tumbler lock ahead of time.

This week’s show looks to be a romp about pirates. Good. I hope that’s all that it is.

Dave Doctor Who wheels within wheels