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Fans Are A Dish Best Served Cold

July 18th, 2010

As my wife will attest, I’ve been playing entirely too much of Star Trek Online these past couple of weeks. It’s my favorite type of Massive Multiplayer Online game: one which allows me to largely ignore the other players. The only times I’ve been partnered with random strangers have been during those space missions that automatically assigned me to an “open instance team.”

Since my initial review of STO, I’ve been promoted to the rank of Lt. Commander. While my wife says that I wasn’t really promoted to anything, I know better. Mr. Spock said so. It’s funny how a few lines of Leonard Nimoy voice-over legitimize things in my head.

Exploring planet Portobello.

My new rank has granted me a new ship, and I naturally opted for a refit Constitution-class cruiser. (Basically the U.S.S. Enterprise as seen in the first half-dozen motion pictures.) I miss my Original Series vessel, but am enjoying my slick ride–and especially my aft torpedo launcher.

I’ve been playing through the Klingon story arc, which in the past couple of days has turned into a massive dose of fan service. It’s like the final season of Star Trek: Enterprise, which basically said “screw it, we know only hardcore geeks are still watching” and began wallowing in references to 40-year-old episodes of Classic Trek.

So it was that I found myself on the trail of a distant descendant of Khan Noonien Singh* (The Wrath of Khan) who was experimenting with the same Augment technology that not only produced the genetic supermen of the Eugenics Wars (The Original Series) but the mutated virus (Enterprise) that accidentally transformed the Klingons from the bumpy-headed warriors of the movies into the swarthy humans of Captain Kirk’s early adventures.

Then a Klingon ambassador kidnapped the daughter of Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres (Voyager) and took her through the Guardian of Forever (The Original Series) back to the year 2270 (The Original Series again) so that her half-Klingon DNA could be used to give the Klingons back their ridges. Oh, and I had to save the original U.S.S. Enterprise without damaging the timeline. (More Leonard Nimoy voice-over!)

Old-school Klingons!

More old-school Klingons!

Travelling back to the future (or rather, the future future), I learned that the Klingons had inexplicably gotten their hands on the planet-killing Doomsday Machine (The Original Series once more). Like Captain Kirk of old, I had to fly my ship right down its gullet and fire a super torpedo into its innards. (Ironically, I had already named my new ship the U.S.S. Decker in honor of the ill-fated commodore that was eaten by the planet-killer in the “Doomsday Machine” TV episode.**)

Honestly, the Doomsday mission was a bit of an understatement. The planet killer should’ve been introduced via a big, dramatic reveal, possibly wiping out a few starships on the way to our confrontation. Instead, it was just listlessly floating out there, getting off a single (admittedly devastating) blast before I pumped a few torpedoes into its maw.

I can only wonder what next awaits me. Will I have to save Harry Mudd from Locutus of Borg? Brave the Q Continuum in search of Spock’s father? The galaxy is the limit!

*Khaaaaaaaan!!!

**This one’s for you, William Windom!

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