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Posts Tagged ‘Abraham Lincoln’

I Was Going To Make A “Driving A Stake” Reference Here, But Fuck It, That’s Just Encouraging Them

June 21st, 2012 No comments

Tomorrow the film Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter arrives at the multiplex. It’s an adaptation of the book of the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith, who stuck zombies into Pride and Prejudice and kicked off a wave of decreasingly-imaginative* literary/horror mashups from the “two things” school of humor. This one is from the parallel subgenre that replaces fictional characters with historical figures.**

And it makes me angry.

Not because it’s dumbing down the movies. (Remember, I saw Transformers.) Not because it’s a one-night concept that’s right there in the title. (I also saw Snakes on a Plane.) And not even because the filmmakers appear to be taking it entirely too seriously.

It’s because it posits that the Civil War was fought because Abraham Lincoln wanted to stop vampires from creating a nation in which they could own a self-perpetuating blood supply. You know, blacks.

Look, I don’t think (very many) people are going to walk away from this film believing that it’s actual history. But there are still plenty out there who choose to believe that the Civil War was about “states’ rights,” instead of being about people who fucking wanted to own other people.

To the extent that Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter allows them to further distance themselves from the bubbling black heart of our nation’s history, fuck it.

*Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters? Really? Really.

**Queen Victoria, Demon Hunter. Jesus. Oh, no, wait…Jesus is in Grahame-Smith’s Unholy Night.



Categories: Movies Tags: , ,

Notes From The Apocalypse

June 27th, 2009 No comments

I spent much of my week off immersed in the world of Fallout 3. I’ve now witnessed my digital me die dozens of times. It’s still weird.

I am in no way compensating for anything. Not at all.Here are some random observations regarding my travels in the D.C. Wasteland.

  • There’s no crippling injury that can’t be cured by an hour’s sleep.
  • I applaud the game designers’ inclusion of restrooms in most of the houses and public spaces. For me, nothing breaks the verisimilitude of an imaginary environment more than the lack of a place to poop.
  • Robby the Robot-style mechanoids are cool. Robby the Robot-style mechanoids in powdered wigs are awesome.

Who says that videogames aren't educational? I'd never heard of Button Gwinnett until I met him.

  • I still hate Moira. But at least I’ve stopped trying to kill her.
  • Some of those rotting ghouls are surprisingly well-stacked. (“Don’t look, don’t look…”)
  • Killing slavers on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial is satisfying, but not as much as gunning down the head slaver with Lincoln’s own rifle.

Defending freedom! Boo-yah!

  • Apparently, making pretty much the same decisions that I would in real life makes me a saint in Falloutville.
  • Being a saint means that you can steal stuff with impunity.
  • Lincoln’s rifle is sweet. Lincoln’s hat? Priceless.

I'm here to emancipate your ass!

Prelude To A Prelude

January 31st, 2009 No comments

Lincoln: Prelude to the Presidency, the WILL-TV documentary in which I appear (frequently) as one of Lincoln’s fellow lawyers on the Illinois 8th Circuit, will be airing on numerous PBS stations over the following month. Here’s a list of known airdates, based on what I found via Google.

Champaign (WILL) – Feb. 9 at 8:00 pm, repeated Feb. 12 at 7:30 pm (call in and PLEDGE!)
Chicago (WTTW) – Feb. 9 at 10:30 pm
Chicago (WYCC) – Feb. 15 at 8:00 pm
Boston (WGBH) – Feb. 12 at 10:00 pm, repeated 3:00 am
Kentucky Educational Television – Feb. 5 at 9:00 pm, repeated Saturday at 2:00 am
Rocky Mountain PBS – Feb. 11 at 7:00 pm
Oregon Public Broadcasting – Feb. 8 at 1:00 pm
Orlando (WMFE) – Feb. 9 at 10:30 pm
Columbus (WOSU) – Feb. 15 at 12:30 PM
Pittsburgh (WQED) – Feb. 11 at 8:00 pm
Milwaukee (MPTV, Channel 10) – Mar. 10 at 7:00 pm
Detroit PTV – Feb. 9 at 10:30 pm
Fresno (KVPT) – Feb. 9 at 10:30 pm
Philadelphia (WHYY) – Feb. 3 at 10:00 pm
New Hampshire PTV – Feb. 12 at 11:30 pm
San Bernardino (KVCR) – Feb. 17 at 9:00 pm
Arizona (KUAT) – Feb. 9 at 10:30 pm
Utah Educational Network – Feb. 11 at 9:00 pm, repeated Sunday at 2:00 am

Also, any public TV station that carries the PBS World channel on its digital tier will be airing the program multiple times. Check your local station’s website.