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Posts Tagged ‘fuck you’

Breaking Good

September 30th, 2013 No comments

I’ve been looking forward to this day for months, if not years. What’s so special about this day? Well, it’s the day after the Breaking Bad finale aired, aka the Day that We Can Begin Shutting the Fuck Up about Breaking Bad. Oh, I’m sure that the next week or two will be full of breathless dialogues about whatever wacky misadventures Walter White got up to in his final hour, but this, baby, is the beginning of the end.

As someone who has spent a quarter century peddling quality television, it’s perhaps ironic that I not only have never watched a single episode of Breaking Bad–anointed by all as the Bestest Show Ever–but that I refuse to do so, not even for the purposes of dumping on it.

Because I do not want to spend a single minute with a narrative that in any way glorifies, justifies or another other kind of -fies a murderous meth cooker. I don’t care if he’s the villain of the piece, he’s still the central figure. He’s the one who knocks, whatever the fuck that means.

It’s not that I mind watching bad people being bad. A good villain can be fascinating and even fun. And the heavens know that I have seen more than my share of vampires and Sith Lords. The difference is that vampires and Sith Lords, besides not being real, don’t sicken me the way that meth dealers do.

I was originally going to post some before-and-after meth photos here to help illustrate the point, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Those images disturb me in a way that a thousand fictional monsters never could, and I don’t want them on my blog.

Instead, I will post a photo of one of the adorable, ironic plush dolls sold by Mezco Toys. It’s part of an array of Breaking Bad merchandise large enough to fill a blood-spattered RV. (Use the coupon code “breakingbadfinale” for 10% off your purchase from the official online store!)

There are lots of ways to hurt people, but the ones that horrify me the most are those that linger, that turn real people into shambling wrecks for the rest of their shortened, miserable lives. All for the sake of cheap thrills and a few bucks.

Meanwhile, miles and miles away, some rich and handsome people turn off the Klieg lights, send away the craft services van, and go home to admire their golden statues.

So, goodbye, Breaking Bad. It’s been great not knowing you.

I Was Going To Make A “Driving A Stake” Reference Here, But Fuck It, That’s Just Encouraging Them

June 21st, 2012 No comments

Tomorrow the film Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter arrives at the multiplex. It’s an adaptation of the book of the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith, who stuck zombies into Pride and Prejudice and kicked off a wave of decreasingly-imaginative* literary/horror mashups from the “two things” school of humor. This one is from the parallel subgenre that replaces fictional characters with historical figures.**

And it makes me angry.

Not because it’s dumbing down the movies. (Remember, I saw Transformers.) Not because it’s a one-night concept that’s right there in the title. (I also saw Snakes on a Plane.) And not even because the filmmakers appear to be taking it entirely too seriously.

It’s because it posits that the Civil War was fought because Abraham Lincoln wanted to stop vampires from creating a nation in which they could own a self-perpetuating blood supply. You know, blacks.

Look, I don’t think (very many) people are going to walk away from this film believing that it’s actual history. But there are still plenty out there who choose to believe that the Civil War was about “states’ rights,” instead of being about people who fucking wanted to own other people.

To the extent that Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter allows them to further distance themselves from the bubbling black heart of our nation’s history, fuck it.

*Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters? Really? Really.

**Queen Victoria, Demon Hunter. Jesus. Oh, no, wait…Jesus is in Grahame-Smith’s Unholy Night.

 

 

Categories: Movies Tags: , ,

Welcome To 2011

January 3rd, 2011 No comments

From a story in the New York Post:

The blizzard saved his life.

A despondent West Side man took a leap out of his ninth-floor window this afternoon — but was saved when he landed onto a huge pile of garbage that’s been collecting since New York’s devastating post-Christmas blizzard, officials said.

Doesn’t sound so much like the blizzard saving his life as the universe saying “fuck you, we’re not done with you yet.”

Maybe it’s just first-day-back-at-work-blues, but I’m already looking forward to 2012.

Categories: Weird Tags: , ,

Fuck You, Sci-Fi Channel

October 26th, 2007 No comments

It’s just been announced that season four of Battlestar Galactica won’t begin until April 2008. For those of you keeping score, that’s a full 13 months after the season three finale premiered. And they still haven’t decided whether the second half of the final season won’t be held back until 2009.

Way to go, SFC. Take the best sci-fi TV series–well, ever–and make sure no one gives a shit by the time it limps to a conclusion.