The folks behind the @FakeAPStylebook Twitter feed (which next week will be arriving at stores nationwide in convenient book form) recently began another alleged humor project: a parody of “content farms” cleverly named The Content Farm. I’ve really enjoyed its articles on topics as diverse as “How to Know You’re Alive” (Step 1: Touch a puppy’s nose) and “How to Massage My Wife” (Step 11: If you need some oils, I have some on a silver tray right beside the bed).
I’ve submitted a few ideas, and one of them was today’s entry: “How to Urinate While Standing Upright.” Most of the jokes are mine, though I take no credit for the Batman reference.
Bonus: Here’s an article that didn’t make the cut.
How to Travel Through Time
You painted a cardboard box blue. You got a ticket for driving 88 mph in a school zone. You scoff when people say that there’s no time like the present.
- Clear the space around you. You won’t want other objects/pets to be caught up in the time distortion field.
- Stand with feet spread wide apart. Close your eyes.
- Open your eyes. Success! You’re in the future! Your flying car awaits!
- None, really. This procedure is nearly foolproof.
Now that you’re a master of the Chronosphere, here comes the challenging bit.
How to Travel Through Time (Backwards)
- Invent faster-than-light space travel. This may seem like a daunting first step, but keep at it.
- Make yourself a futuristic costume. Get your mom to help.
- Accelerate your vessel to a minimum speed of Warp 6.2 toward the nearest star. You may find the Sun to be convenient.
- Set aside your preconceived notions. You will be moving so fast that the star’s gravitational pull will have a negligible effect on your flight path. Ignore this and jam down the pedal.
- Break away. At the moment that the stellar mass fills your viewscreen, turn sharply to the right. The resultant slingshot trajectory will send you hurtling backwards in time. If you already haven’t synchronized your watch, do so now.
- Slow down. Selecting a precise reentry to normal space-time can be tricky. We’ve had good luck eyeballing it.
Success! You’re in the past! Watch out for Romans and/or dinosaurs!
- When designing your costume, avoid the unitard. You may think that it looks “spacey,” but you’ll require an additional crew member to handle the zipper.
- Fly past the star, not into it.
- Do not kill/have sex with your grandparents.