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Posts Tagged ‘WTF’

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

March 29th, 2013 No comments

I swear that the programmers at Cartoon Network suffer from ADHD. Shows will disappear in mid-run, pop-up five months later at a different time and day, then inexplicably vanish again with several episodes still unaired. It’s frustrating, and doubly so if the series in question has an on-going story arc.

I’ve written before about Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated, which earlier this week reemerged from a forgotten closet at Cartoon Network headquarters to finish out its long-neglected run in a weekday afternoon burn-off slot. It should wrap up next week, unless the head of programming spots a shiny object.

Perhaps the very qualities that made Mystery Inc. such a compelling series for older fans of the characters are what kept it bouncing around the schedule. It broke from the standard Scooby formula in favor of a two-season, 52-episode long storyline.* It romantically involved Velma and Shaggy, had Daphne (and later Velma) temporarily break from the gang, and revealed that Fred’s adoptive father was a villain who’d blackmailed his birth parents (who were part of a previous Mystery Incorporated team) into giving him up.

Even more remarkably, it introduced elements of real danger. A couple of supporting characters have been killed (off-screen, but still) by the sinister machinations of Professor Pericles, the talking parrot who was the real brains behind the earlier incarnation of Mystery Inc.

Okay, I realize that I have just typed the phrase “the sinister machinations of Professor Pericles, the talking parrot.” This ain’t exactly House of Cards. Yet, the notion that something going out under the Scooby-Doo banner has a murderous bird in it is strange and wonderful.

And then, yesterday, this happened.

Scooby-Doo visited the Red Room (aka the Black Lodge) from Twin Peaks. Okay, it was a dream, but so was the original Red Room. And as the scene involved a metaphysical entity speaking to Scoobs through his dog girlfriend,** I’m willing to accept that yes, Scooby-Doo was in the Black Lodge. Agent Cooper and BOB were presumably in the next room over.

And what was discussed? Oh, just that the reason certain dogs (and parrots) can talk is that they are the descendants of the Anunnaki,*** extradimensional spirits who can only physically exist  by inhabiting the bodies of animals.

Mind. Blown.

Okay, maybe I do understand why this didn’t fly at the Cartoon Network. But that anyone ever allowed it to happen in the first place is as peculiar as any ghost encountered by those meddling kids.

*Thanks to the delays, said storyline will finish out three years to the day from when it began.

**Again, I totally get how ridiculous this seems when I type it out.

***The Anunnaki are a “real” thing, in that they feature in real-world crackpot theories regarding the rogue planet Nibiru (also namechecked in Mystery Inc.) and the end of the world. 

Categories: TV Tags: , ,

31 Days Of Flash Gordon #18

July 18th, 2010 No comments

What in the hell did Ming make his Mongo minions out of? Here’s what General Klytus looked like after Flash tossed him onto some spikes.

And when General Kala was shot, this happened.

Come to think of it, the unfortunate Prince Thun’s royal blood was literally blue, and Ming’s own vital fluids were green. The Mongonian gene pool was apparently more of a swamp.

Categories: Sci-Fi Tags: ,

Keep Searching

April 18th, 2009 No comments

One of the benefits of my new blogging home is that now I get web stat reports. And my favorite feature is the list of search terms that brought folks to my humble page.

The current top term, with 20 hits, is “dave thiel.” “Tina fey” received eight hits. My recent post regarding the trailer for The Bike King and the Ten Commandments snagged another eight hits under different search permutations.

Other notable terms: “the watchmen blue penis” (two hits), “legion of super ticklish” (two more), and “the seven faces of dr lao hulu” (one hit).

But my favorite is the last one on the list, a completely inexplicable entry that reads: “star wars create your own jedi knight trained by obi won made from lego and play it not a video game and you can play it.”

So, to whomever it was who desperately searched the World Wide Web for “star wars create your own jedi knight trained by obi won made from lego and play it not a video game and you can play it” and wound up here, welcome. I hope that you found what you were looking for.

I Am So Glad That I No Longer Care About This Shit

July 15th, 2008 No comments

Announced today by Adam Pawlus of Galactic Hunter: an exclusive set of Star Wars figures based “on the Crimson Empire flashback scene in which we see Kir Kanos and Carnor Jax in training.”

Crimson Empire, for those of you who have lives, is a Dark Horse comic book about the guys who make up the Emperor’s Royal Guard: the ones with the red robes and the phallic helmets. If there’s one thing that Star Wars fans love, it’s dudes in all-concealing headgear who stand around looking bad-ass. (See: Fett, Boba.) The Royal Guard are so stone cold that they don’t do a single thing in the entire film saga. They don’t need to prove anything.

But it seems that before donning the Red Robes of Awesome, they go through a training phase in which they dress up as their favorite Power Ranger. I believe that the guy in the black robes above must be the wizard Zordon.

Click through for the full horror.

Latitude Zero: The Thrilling Conclusion!

June 16th, 2008 No comments

As the final installment of Latitude Zero commences, Malic has just concluded transplanting the brain of his once-loyal lover Kroiga into the body of a surgically-grafted gryphon and sent it to “Kill MacKenzie!”

Flush with success, the ageless, mad scientist seemingly forgets that he’d intended to intimidate Dr. Okada into giving up the secret of his anti-radiation formula by turning Okada’s daughter into a bat creature. Instead, he commits a breach of etiquette by moving straight to his back-up plan of dissecting the doctor’s brain.

But first, he observes Captain MacKenzie’s group making its way across Blood Rock on his monitor, and flips a handy blow-up-the-cliffside switch to bring an avalanche down upon them. However, they manage to avoid injury from the falling rocks. This may be due to the protective combination of their corvexa jumpsuits and their swim in the Bath of Immunity, or it might be because the rocks are a poorly superimposed special effect. We’ll never be certain.

Elsewhere, Kroiga the gryphon begins to experience the effects of Malic’s “amplification serum” and grow in size.

Trapped in a cave, MacKenzie and crew suddenly find themselves in a Princess Bride crossover, as Rodents of Unusual Size (species Rattus zippersuitus) menacingly approach. Our heroes respond by firing paralyzing gas pellets from the fingers of their golden gloves, then beat a hasty retreat to another tunnel.

“Hey, does anyone else smell cheese?”

They emerge into a bone-filled valley venting poison gas into the air. As the choking fumes enter their lungs, Richard Jaeckel shouts “Bath of Immunity, my ass!” Or maybe that was just me. The corvexa suits–which, as you may recall, are woven from an impervious alloy of gold and platinum–don’t help much either when they encounter a lake of pure, purple acid. Koubo loses a boot when he ignores all common sense and tests the obviously evil, bubbling brew with his foot. Nice going, Koubo.

“Too bad there’s absolutely no other way
to tell if this is dangerous.”
“Madre de Dios!”

The giant rats pursue them across the plain. MacKenzie and Ken Tashiro hold them off with their fingertip flamethrowers. That’s right, fingertip flamethrowers. Never mind how a pair of normally-sized gloves can accommodate gas launchers, laser projectors and flamethrowers, not to mention their assorted power sources and ammunition. It’s science!

Unfortunately, Koubo’s “elevation belt” improbably fell off and melted as Perry and Ken pulled him out of the acid lake, which leaves MacKenzie in a pickle as the now-flaming rodents continue their advance. Ordering the men to link arms, they airlift the beltless Koubo as the rats heedlessly plunge into the deadly liquid.

This does, in fact, look ridiculous. Turns out the rats were no smarter than Koubo.

Back at Evil Medical Center, Cesar Romero is pissed that his newly minted gryphon ineffectually sits around utterly failing to kill MacKenzie. He grouses, “Kroiga was a fool as a woman; is she also a fool as a gryphon? Why doesn’t she attack?” I don’t know, Malic, do the words “Die, die, DIE!” mean anything to you?

He prepares to cut open Dr. Okada’s brain, which somehow involves pointing a sinister sun lamp at his head. From the gallery, Okada’s daughter reinforces a stereotype by shouting “Prease! Prease don’t hurt my father!”

At long last, MacKenzie bursts into the chamber and all hell breaks loose. Bat creatures swoop down, supported by thick wires. One attacks Ken and is promptly smacked in the head. As Perry grapples the monster, Dr. Tashiro rushes to the aid of Miss Osaka, and…kicks a bat creature in the ass.

Sure, they can fly.
But they prefer the elevator.
Ken Tashiro, Action Scientist!

Malic’s galpal Lucretia moves to stab Dr. Okada with a hypodermic needle, but MacKenzie intercepts her. Petulantly, she plunges the hypo into the captain’s chest. However, the needle merely bends as it contacts his intermittently impervious jumpsuit.

Then, in what seems a supremely dickish move by a purported good guy, MacKenzie deliberately throws Lucretia onto Malic’s knife.

“Into the mud, scum queen!”

As Lucretia dies in Malic’s arms, the terrible twosome share a touching moment:

“Lucretia! I didn’t…I didn’t…”
“I know, Malic. I know.”

Okay, it ain’t deathless dialogue, but it is the most honestly emotional moment of the entire film.

I haven’t cared much for MacKenzie up until this point, but I now like him even less when I see the insufferably smug look on his murderous face. Malic doesn’t care for it either, urging his bat creatures to “Kill him!”

MacKenzie (or rather, his stunt double) does a quick tuck-and-roll, then begins firing laser beams from his all-purpose gloves. A bisected bat creature thuds into the cavern wall.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Cotten.

Koubo lifts a man-bat over his head for a helicopter spin. Perry punches another in the face. And Ken Tashiro, Action Scientist knifes one in the back.

Now I’m even beginning to feel sorry for the bat creatures.

Malic closes the shutters, plunging the room into darkness and bringing forth a swarm of garden-variety bats which, due to a tragic miscalcuation of scale, appear to have four-inch wingspans. The distraction allows him to escape to his submarine.

As Koubo switches on the cavern lights, Lucretia’s dead body is seen to rapidly decay into dust. Why? Oh, why the hell not?

“Aieee! Tiny bats!” She should’ve moisturized.

Captain MacKenzie leads the Okadas back to the relative safety of his own submarine, the Alpha, but Malic’s Black Shark closes in.

Malic launches a shell full of sparking glitter which settles over the Alpha and electrifies the sub’s controls. Again, the Bath of Immunity proves overrated as Koubo is burnt. Inexplicably, MacKenzie is able to overcome the electrical arcs with his bare hands and thrust the lever which disperses the glitter from the ship’s hull.

Undeterred, Malic activates a hidden magnet which draws the Alpha against the cliff wall, then begins to oh-so-slowly pivot his laser cannon for a final, deadly shot.

At last, MacKenzie reveals the “special modifications” that he’d ordered for the Alpha. Rocket engines fire and the vessel soars into the air. Because, honestly, it wouldn’t be Japanese sci-fi without a flying submarine.

Malic rushes to the cannon turret and lauches a furious fusillade. But the Black Shark itself is pulled against the cliffside. Hoist by his own magnetic petard, the villain initially fails to notice that Kroiga–remember her?–has chosen this moment to get off her dead gryphon ass and enter the fray.

The beast flies down and swipes at the laser cannon, knocking it aside. The cliff face is blasted, and rocks rain down on the Black Shark. Malic flails in futility, Kroiga claws at the turret, and finally the whole mess goes up in an orgy of Toho Studios-brand explosions.

Hell hath no fury like a woman
whose brain was surgically removed.
“Roar! I say roar, even!”

Ken Tashiro, Action Scientist observes “Scratch one submarine.” Then as Blood Rock detonates as well, Perry pithily responds “Scratch one island.”


Later, back at the undersea pimple that is Latitude Zero, Perry takes snapshots of happy couples. Anne Barton has at last landed her Franco-Japanese love, Jules Masson. Meanwhile, Ken Tashiro, Action Scientist blissfully plays golf with a woman whom I’ve only realized just now is Miss Okada.

Irwin Allen presents: Picnic at the Bottom of the Sea!

Perry prepares to return to the surface world with his camera full of photos and his tobacco pouch loaded with diamonds. He questions MacKenzie, “You said, ‘Everything down here is developed for the benefit of Mankind,’ right? Well, when are you gonna let the rest of the world in on this secret?”

The captain responds, “Mr. Lawton, none of us is wise enough to know when man will live in harmony. Until then, we must continue our work here because it’s the only place on this planet where we can.” Makes sense to me.

We then enjoy a photographic montage of the surface world: scenes of protest, Communists, impoverished kids drinking from styrofoam cups, rocketships blasting into orbit.

After this bizarre interlude, we see a naval vessel which rescues Perry from an inflatable raft. Oddly, no one believes his story of underwater civilizations, baths of immunity, oversized rats and teensy bats.

“Really, it was an alloy of gold and platinum!”

Without warning, and for no explainable reason, the film begins to channel the final scene of The Wizard of Oz. The ship’s captain is a dead-ringer for Ken Tashiro, Action Scientist, and the commander is Glen MacKenzie (no relation), played again by Joseph Cotten.

A flustered Perry attempts to prove his tale with the film from his camera, which–as anyone who has even seen this sort of thing before will know–is completely blank. And the pouch? Filled once again with tobacco.

“Son, what you’ve got here is a Toho Studios film.”

Now, you may be thinking that all this “and you were there, and you, and you” stuff is a put-on: that Ken Tashiro, Action Scientist and Captain MacKenzie have disguised themselves to mess with Perry’s head and protect the secret of Latitude Zero. But then the ship’s lieutenant enters, and he’s played by…Cesar Romero!


After Perry is led to sick bay to dribble into a cup, the lieutenant receives a message sent to Mr. Lawton from a bank in New York: “Have received 600 carats of diamonds from unknown sender, instructing we hold for safekeeping pending your return.”

“How did the bank know that he’s aboard this ship?”
“Damned if I know, but it’s a cinch he’s the richest man aboard.”

Soooooo, the fine folks of Latitude Zero fogged Perry’s film and replaced his fortune in precious stones with pipeweed, but then they went ahead and deposited the diamonds anyway?

And what the hell is Cesar Romero doing here? Why the pointless addition of a “it was all a dream, or was it?” twist?

We’ll never know. The vessel sets a new course: “Longitude one-seven-six, latitude…zero!”

Latitude Zero: Chapter Three

June 12th, 2008 No comments

Up ’til now, you may not have understood why I was so entranced by my initial viewing of Latitude Zero. Sure, it’s hokey, talky and far too impressed with its science-utopia, but the same could be said for a number of ’50s and ’60s sci-fi flicks.

It’s the third act where the wheels come off the bathysphere and and it descends into batshit insanity. You could blame the Japanese, who turn out unfathomably odd pop cultural artifacts faster than you can say “hentai Pokemon.” But I’ll lay it at the feet of its American screenwriter, Ted Sherdeman, who based it on his own ’40s radio serial. Time magazine’s review of the radio drama suggests that some of the odder details were there from the start. (In fairness to Sherdeman, he also wrote the screenplay for Them!, one of the very best ’50s monster movies.)

To recap the story so far:

MacKenzie and Malic are superscientists with inexplicably extended lifespans. They fight.


Our story continues as MacKenzie prepares to rescue the kidnapped scientist Dr. Okada and his daughter from Malic’s island fortress. He orders that special modifications being made to his submarine, the Alpha, be completed within the hour. Feeling indebted, Perry, Ken and Jules volunteer for the mission. The “Frenchman” asks how they should prepare for the dangers of Blood Rock. “First,” says MacKenzie, “the Bath of Immunity!”

It turns out to be more of a Spa Pool of Immunity, a bubbling tub of greenish water that grants 24 hours of protection. The gang is surprised when Anne joins them in the skinny dip. (It’s still the ’60s, so the nakedness is only implied.) It’s supposed to be humorously titillating when the boys have to exit the bath first with their junk dangling, but it’s really just sort of awkward.

Concerned about shrinkage. Get a good look, guys. This is all you get.

And how do we know that this is truly a Bath of Immunity and not just MacKenzie’s ploy to see Richard Jaeckel’s wee-wee? The good captain has one of his minions shoot him with a revolver. Plucking the bullet from the air, he says to Perry, “We’d better test you too.” And before any of our heroes can suggest something less drastic–a bad paper cut or poke in the eye–each is shot square in the chest. Ah, the scientific approach.

Call it job satisfaction.
“Wow, I didn’t even feel the kinetic energy!” “Me? Hey, you never shot the broad!”

Next, they are issued shiny jumpsuits made of “corvexa,” an alloy of gold and platinum and therefore impervious to all temperatures. Just like real gold and platinum are.

Back on Blood Rock, Malic taunts Dr. Okada by telling him that he knew about the homing device secreted in his prisoner’s spare eyeglasses all along, then smashes the frames with his foot. (Honestly, there’s evil and then there’s just plain dickishness.) He orders that the captives be brought to the observation gallery.

In the operating theater, a bat creature wheels in a gurney like a Chiropteran orderly. Strapped to it is Kroiga, once-loyal submarine commander and romantic rival of Malic’s “companion” Lucretia. As Lucretia prepares to jab her with a scary needle, Kroiga’s last words are “You monster! You fiend! Damn you! I hope you die…die…DIE!”

Keep this in mind. It’ll be important later.

On the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy “Seriously, die…dieDIE!

“I’ll demonstrate my skill,” Malic declares to Dr. Okada, “by creating the creature destined to kill your Captain MacKenzie.” As he walks over to a control panel, the nearby actor in the bat suit appears to think, “Well, I can’t just stand here doing nothing,” and so begins to quiver with palsied menace.

A pair of sliding wall panels reveal another actor, this one in a thoroughly unconvincing lion costume, and a puppet condor. Anesthetic gas pours into the lion’s cell.

On the Alpha, MacKenzie cracks out the rest of the gear. They include rocket-powered “elevation belts,” and gloves with a variety of weapons built into the fingers: miniature flamethrowers, paralyzing gas and lethal lasers.

Back in the operating room, Shaky the Bat watches as Malic begins to saw into the cranium of the still-conscious guy-in-a-lion-suit. From the gallery, Okada’s daughter cries, “I can’t stand it!” only to receive a dressing-down from another nearby bat creature.

“No, I do not want a neck rub!”

Malic’s intention is to transplant Kroiga’s brain into his beast, so that it’ll be able to “understand and obey” his orders. Okada offers to give up his anti-radiation formula, but it’s too late. Malic pulls out his rotary saw, and orders Lucretia to anesthetize the condor!

Perhaps a little too happy about his work. Fun Fact: “Anesthetize the condor” is a popular euphemism in the Malic household.

The Alpha arrives at Blood Rock and parks underneath a cliff face. Stepping out onto the landing ramp, the invaders activate their elevation belts and rocket upwards.

We are Devo. This does not in any way look ridiculous.

As they make their way toward the fortress, a magnetic force locks their elevation belts and holds them in place, but Koubo manages to lift them safely onto a nearby ledge.

Lucretia is alarmed as she watches their escape on a monitor, but Malic is otherwise engaged as he saws at the condor’s wings. “It doesn’t matter! Don’t bother me!” he snaps. This was the moment I realized that Latitude Zero had transcended to the ranks of the truly, wonderfully awful, as I witnessed Cesar Romero manically butcher a puppet bird.

Thanksgiving at Blood Rock was always a little strange.

Malic finishes assembling his creation, a winged lion with a human brain! He addresses it as “Kroiga,” and crows in triumph when it recognizes its name. Oh, but that’s not enough for Malic, now showing off like a toddler using the toilet for the first time. He brandishes his “amplification serum,” which will cause the gryphon to increase three times in size.

Now, as none of us are mad scientists, consider this for a moment: you have betrayed your lover (whose last words, remember, were “I hope you die, die, DIE!”), cut out her brain, stuck it in the body of a half-lion/half-bird, and made the resultant monster three times bigger. Really? This is your master plan? Have you really thought it through?

Malic’s mind is elsewhere. He cries “Go! Find MacKenzie and kill him! Kill MacKenzie!”

As the gryphon soars into the sky, we take our leave from Blood Rock for now…

  • Will Kroiga really “kill MacKenzie?”
  • Is creating a giant monster that hates your guts a good idea?
  • Does this corvexa jumpsuit make Joseph Cotten look fat?

Stay tuned, for the final chapter of Latitude Zero!

Next: Rodents of Unusual Size!

Latitude Zero: Chapter Two

June 6th, 2008 No comments

When we last left the heroes of Latitude Zero, they had outwitted Kroiga, captain of the Black Shark. Then, after a brief discussion of sexual etiquette, they set course for the underwater settlement that gives the film its name.

The nature of Latitude Zero is somewhat unclear. It’s housed in a huge, white dome that resembles a pimple desperately yearning to be popped, yet it’s accessed through a secret tunnel in an undersea rock wall. A secret tunnel marked with a sparkly, yellow and purple “zero,” which might as well be a neon sign post reading “This Way, Malic.” Maybe they thought bad guys would mistake it for the entrance to a disco.

Freudian symbolism alert.

The Alpha surfaces near the shore of an island which appears to exist in an air bubble within the colossal whitehead. That means it’s time for a Toho Studios standard…miniature mecha porn! The next two minutes of the film’s running time are spent on long, lingering shots of the Alpha arriving, being cradled by a claw-handed gantry and extending its landing ramp. It’s what most of us call “filler,” but what the Japanese call “a four-page spread in Hobby Japan magazine.”

After Kuobo loads Dr. Masson into a waiting ambulance, MacKenzie takes Ken and Perry on a tour of his submerged Shangri-La, an idyllic land where the cars are electric, the artificial sun shines exactly 14 hours a day and everyone has time to visit the pool.

And here’s where they make balloons. Today’s forecast: Sunny. Always fucking sunny.
Richard Jaeckel, playa.

There seem to be two types of people in Latitude Zero: respected scientists and babes in swimwear. Presumably the latter are an inducement when recruiting the former. Gold, extracted from seawater, is so abundant there that much of the swimwear is made from it.

“Hi! Have you met my concubine?” Latitude Zero understands the need for
girls on trampolines.
The ’70s are right around the corner, folks. Actual dialogue: “How was the volcano?” “Erupting!”

Meanwhile, at the “rehabilitation center,” Dr. Barton is seeing to the recuperating Jules Masson, who continues to harbor the illusion that he is French. Anne finds him confusing yet appealing.

“Take out Spare Ribs for one hundred dollars!”

This section of the film goes on for a bit, and unlike Captain MacKenzie, I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice to say that in Latitude Zero, everyone lives in peace and harmony. Greed has been eliminated. People piss champagne and crap diamonds.

In fact, they literally use diamonds to fill their planters the way we unenlightened mortals use glass beads. Perry stuffs his tobacco pouch with a million dollars of sparkling stones.

And it should go without saying that there’s nothing as de’classe’ as fast food restaurants at the bottom of the sea. Instead, wall slots dispense dinners from the central kitchen, where scientists cook as a hobby.

Actual dialogue: “Today’s chef is Dr. Neudorro, a mineralogist. Don’t worry, you won’t find any stones in your steak!” It’s Lobster Night at Old Country Buffet.

Back on Blood Rock, Malic fumes as he ruminates on the difficulty of destroying MacKenzie. More bad news comes when he learns that his Tokyo agents have failed to kidnap the prominent scientist Dr. Okada. Malic not only wants Okada for his anti-radiation formula, but as bait to lure MacKenzie outside the protection of his impregnable dome. Lucretia worries that MacKenzie is being invited to invade Blood Rock, but perks up when she learns that Malic intends one final mission for her rival Kroiga–intercepting the boat ferrying Dr. Okada to Hawaii–before he “retires her from service.”

The next morning, Perry, Ken and the fully recovered Jules are reunited, and given spiffy new surface world-style suits. MacKenzie, never one to miss a chance to prattle on about his technological paradise, shows off a model of the transforming cars his own agents use when recruiting scientists from above.

Also available from the Latitude Zero gift shop.

The scientists who willingly emigrate to Latitude Zero are believed to have defected to the other side of the Cold War. Under the sea, they work on boons rather than bombs. Their results are secretly distributed back to the surface through the old “switch the notebook pages” trick.

Meanwhile, bad things are brewing. The Black Shark retrieves Dr. Okada and his daughter, and reports of the hijack hit the international news.

Miss Okada enjoyed picking her father’s nose.
“Sir, I’ve got Orson Welles on Line 2.” It’s GHN: Giant Head News!

Back at Blood Rock, Malic and Kroiga share a moment in which he promises that he will reward his “little one” with some alone time together. But before we can firmly implant the image of Cesar Romero bumping uglies into our heads, he ushers Kroiga into a small room to await him…then pushes the “Big Yellow Cage” button. Apparently, this is not the foreplay Kroiga expected, and she cries, “Malic, daaaaaaamn youuuu!”

Honestly, I think this is preferable to the prospect of naked Cesar Romero.

Okada refuses to share the secret of his serum, which could allow a rogue nuclear state to immunize its population against radiation and than indiscriminately destroy its opposition. Because the retaliatory nukes would bounce harmlessly off its cities and infrastructure.

Malic introduces his captives to one of his experiments, comically hideous bat creatures, and threatens to turn Okada’s daughter into one of them unless he cooperates. Then he plays his trump card: the ability to surgically remove Okada’s brain and dissect its “memory bank!”

As Malic and Lucretia retire, Okada activates a homing device that Latitude Zero’s agents have hidden in his eyeglasses.

Actual dialogue: “You’re a monster!” “No, I’m a genius!”

The stage is set, the players are in place. Soon, it’ll be time for the ultimate confrontation between Malic and MacKenzie for the fate of the world.

  • Will Miss Okada be forced to wear a bat costume?
  • Will Dr. Masson realize that he is Japanese?
  • Will Malic and MacKenzie confess their love at last?

The answers to these and other burning questions will all be revealed!

Next: Assault on Blood Rock!

Latitude Zero: Chapter One

June 6th, 2008 No comments

Originally posted May 7. Bumped to top of blog.

Latitude Zero opens just where you might expect: the Equator, imaginary line of mystery. A research vessel plies the Pacific waters in search of an undersea current which could be used to speed submarines on their way. Leading the expedition are Dr. Ken Tashiro (played by Akira Takarada) and Dr. Jules Masson (Masumi Okada, apparently unaware that he is not, in fact, French). With them is Richard Jaeckel (The Dirty Dozen; also Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination for Sometimes a Great Notion) as reporter Perry Lawton, providing pool coverage to satisfy the many tens of newspaper readers interested in comparatively rapid water.

“Would you like to sit in the smoking section of the bathysphere?” Perry flashes Ken his bedroom eyes.

In the first of many questionable costuming choices, our heroes are decked out in cute, colorful and coordinated zip jacket-and-shorts ensembles. It’s as if the expedition was outfitted by Garanimals.

Just then, the biggest underwater volcano eruption in history hits. Look at that thing: it’s even spitting lightning bolts. I give props to the Toho special effects department here for one helluva explosion. The ensuing pyrotechnics snap the bathysphere’s lifeline and toss it into a deep, ocean crevasse.

The fall not only knocks the threesome unconscious, it removes Perry’s jacket. As he lies helpless, yet oh, so enticing, mysterious divers peer in through the porthole and admire his well-groomed thatch of chest hair.

“Isn’t that Richard Jaeckel from Sands of Iwo Jima?”
“I believe so. I wish to touch him.”

The divers attach a cable to the bathysphere, which is hauled aboard an enormous submarine, the Alpha. There Perry and Ken meet ship’s doctor (and part-time pole dancer) Anne Barton, who tells them that Dr. Masson has suffered serious injury, and that go-go boots are the only cure!

As the two speculate on how they might themselves have serious injuries, they are taken to the bridge, where they meet Koubo, navigator and ship’s genie.

“Really, it’s how all the doctors dress
at the bottom of the sea.”
“I pity the fool who calls me a genie!”

There too, is the captain of the Alpha, Craig MacKenzie, played by Joseph Cotten. Cotten’s more than 40 years as a film actor included roles in Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, Gaslight and The Third Man.

MacKenzie is a super-scientist who designed the Alpha, which was launched–much to Perry and Ken’s astonishment–in 1805, a full 50 years before Captain Nemo set sail in the Nautilus. Yet even that is not as astonishing as MacKenzie’s appalling dress sense: chest-baring disco shirt, gold chains and green cravat.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Cotten.

For every hairy-breasted yin, there must be a yang, and so it is that we suddenly find ourselves in the evil part of the ocean where squats the hideous mountain fortress Blood Rock.

Within we are introduced to Lucretia, played by Patricia Medina. Medina was Joseph Cotten’s wife at the time and was with him until his death in 1994. She too had an Orson Welles film to her credit, Mr. Arkadin.

Lucretia is the “companion” of Malic, played by, of all people, Cesar Romero. I know it’s not cool to admit this, but I’ve long felt–mustache or no mustache–Romero’s performance as the Joker was greatly underrated.

Malic and Lucretia are a curious pair: dedicated to badness, yet head over heels in love with each other. They sip wine and make goo-goo eyes while plotting the destruction of their archenemy MacKenzie.

For all their wickedness, however, Malic and Lucretia are no match for the film’s costumer, who dresses Cesar Romero in Buck Rogers cast-offs, and forces Patricia Medina to bring her own nightgowns to the set.

Back on the Alpha, Dr. Masson requires better medical care than the ship’s sick bay can provide. Captain MacKenzie sets course for his own home base, the eponymous Latitude Zero.

Anne’s doctor’s smock brings new meaning
to “bedside manner.”

But his ship is tracked by Malic’s killer submarine, the Black Shark. Its commander is a Japanese woman named Kroiga, whose vicious ponytail has sent many a mariner to his doom.

Watching the pursuit from the Blood Rock hideaway, Lucretia can’t hide her jealousy of Kroiga, though Malic is quick to declare “You’re the only woman I keep with me.” Despite this reassurance, Lucretia is delighted by her rival’s failure to bring down MacKenzie.

A cat-and-mouse game ensues, with the seemingly unarmed Alpha using its many defensive modifications–including maneuvering jets and illusionary doubles–to avoid the Black Shark’s torpedoes.

Not even a desperate ramming maneuver scratches the Alpha’s hull. It does, however, set Kroiga’s ponytail into a lethal spin, injuring three crewmen.


Looming ahead is the electronic bubble that shields Latitude Zero from its enemies. MacKenzie charges the hull of the Alpha with an “equalizer” which allows it to pass through the barrier, while the less-fortunate Black Shark bounces off.


Safe for now, MacKenzie enters exposition mode and fills us in on the personal history of both he and Malic, who were students together “a century ago.” We learn that MacKenzie is 204 years old while Malic is a mere babe of 203.

Got that? Good, because there will be no elaboration on it whatsoever. We never learn where they were schooled, how they became bitter enemies, or what accounts for their incredible longevity.

Star Trek: The Intentionally Lost Episode.

Also, I’m no math whiz, but it also means that MacKenzie’s academic days occurred when he was approximately 104, and that he built the Alpha some sixty years prior to that.

Perry the journalist never puts those numbers together, but he’s quick to inquire how old that makes Dr. Barton. The Captain’s reply: “Even in Latitude Zero, gentlemen do not discuss the age of a lady.” Hilarity ensues.

And on that chivalrous note, we sign off for now, until the next thrilling chapter of Latitude Zero!

Next: There’s a hole at the bottom of the sea!

What The %#$@?

February 15th, 2005 No comments

As I’ve mentioned before, one of the joys of opening my morning e-mail is the spam I receive from a certain purported prescription drug dealer. He/she (it?) apparently uses some sort of random name generator for the “From:” line, with occasional hilarious results. (e.g., Sniffed C. Eskimos)

This morning, I got one from Mermaid E. Bipartisan. (It’s good to know that senators from the sunken city of Atlantis are reaching across the aisle.) For the first time, I decided to look past the funny name and actually read the message text. What follows is the actual text of the e-mail, minus the links. Where possible, I’ve tried to replicate the formatting. (Italics added by me.)

From: Mermaid E. Bipartisan
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2005 6:24 AM
To: Dthiel
Subject: No perscription needed, all best medication!

Alas! regardless of their doom, the little victims play! No sense have they of ills to come nor care beyond today.

You should look straight at a film that’s the only way to see one. Film is not the art of scholars but of illiterates.
Dthiel, You just found the greatest and simpliest site for M3d$ication on the net. No pr:-scription, easy d31lvery.

Private, secure, and easy. shortwaves internees renunciant.

I dream, therefore I exist. betrayment epistemologically

We`ve got everything that you will ever want. unwadded assumptive. Erection treatment p1lls, anti-depressant p1lls, weight loss, and more http://unsiding.astronomersledby.com/?a=335ametaboly pursuers clerkish.

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other. The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.

Only high-quality stuff for low rates!
100″/.. moneyback guarantee!

Believing: it means believing in our own lies. And I can say that I am grateful that I got this lesson very early. Books are divided into two classes, the books of the hour and the books of all time.

And again, I say, “What The %#$@?” Do they want to sell me drugs…or philosophy? Or perhaps a spellcheck program? Someone really needs to teach these spammers the art of the sale, that’s what I’m sayin’.

P.S. If you plug unsiding.astronomersledby.com into your web browser, you really do get a site offering medical supplies. Do they randomly generate its URL as well?

P.P.S. On said site, I could find no mention of pursuers, clerkish or otherwise. However, I will say it was the simpliest provider of unwadded assumptive I’ve ever encountered.

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